Can't Hide Anywhere

Recently I got off of facebook because I was checking it too often and honestly I was sick of all the bitching. So now I'm only on instagram...however, the only problem is with instagram all I see are fitness accounts. Women who have lost 100 pounds or are trying to lose 50 pounds or even those who are trying to lose 5 pounds. It's everywhere!!! I can't hide anywhere from the constant reminder that I'm not "perfect". Which leaves me with mixed emotions. It makes me angry and depressed because I feel like I am slacking. It slightly motivates me to do better. But really it just makes me annoyed. I'm annoyed because I just don't understand why all these women who are bragging about positive self-esteem and positive body image are only posing and posting shit right along with all the other fitness junkies or wanna be instafamous accounts. I know in their mind they're hoping to be a motivation and to be someone's inspiration. Well to me I see it as adding on to the issue of body image. The reason being is that because we are making such a big fucking deal about it, that it is consuming everything.

I hate it and yes I know I'm being a hypocrite. I got off facebook because of the bitching and here I am complaining. I just don't understand how we reached this point where how we look means more then how we act.

I wish I didn't care but I know how much easier it is to be in new places or out on a date looking and feeling great. It makes a world of difference when you feel pretty and when you feel confident. And I hate that when I try to focus on that and then I get on instagram and get sucked right back into the, "I have to lose weight mentality". It sucks. But don't get me wrong. I think those women who have lost all the weight and are working their asses off to reach their goals are amazing. But I just don't like the constant reminders that I'm on a tetter-totter with my health goals. What's that saying, if you don't want to watch something change the channel or turn off the tv. Well I'm going to do just that, delete all the fitness accounts I follow and stay focused on my goals and my life.

Do I Really Want This?

I know it's been a while since I've posted but I've been struggling a lot and didn't have anything good to say. There weren't any positive things about my weight loss journey I could share. Which was pretty frustrating.

I've been struggling with a few things, mainly motivation and mainly with just giving a fuck. I'm so frustrated because I know I'm strong, I know I'm in shape, and I know that I'm taking care of myself. Maybe not in the way these "pro-mom athletes" blog about or look like. But I'm not the worse for ware and I'm so sick of constantly letting this weight consume my every thought. It's exhausting! I'm exhausted! Honestly good for those women who can do it all by getting up at 4 am and getting a 2 hour workout in, still getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner made. All while handling a job and possibly school. Those women rock, but I can't keep comparing myself to them. I hate that I have set them on such a high pedestal that I ended up feeling like I'm not doing enough. Like I could do better. Let's face it, I can do better!

I workout because I love it and I workout because it helps keep my sanity. But I don't workout to lose weight. Having this weight loss bullshit consume me is taking away some of the fun for me. And when that happens I usually stop. I don't want to stop; thankfully I can't because I just signed a 6 month contract. But I need to change something to keep this fun. Because at the moment I'm just mad; mad that I'm fat, mad that I think I'm fat, and mad that I'm not motivated enough to fix being fat.  

But do I really want to? Do I want the added stress of it all?

No, I really don't...

And realizing this has opened my eyes. Realizing that I don't want it bad enough is the reason I can't stay motivated. Sure I don't like looking at pictures of myself and cry in the dressing room but that is only enough to motivate me for a few weeks. It's not enough. If I wanted to look good that bad I would make it happen. Like I've said before, I'm great and finding "reasons" for why I'm not getting results. I know that excuse after excuse won't get me there. Really the truth is I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of starting over and I'm tired of always thinking about it. Some might think these are excuses but to me it's reality. The reality is I would rather sleep in an extra hour after going to bed at 2 am finishing an assignment. The reality is I would rather snack on some chips and salsa then a "yummy" protein shake. The reality is I really wish I didn't care.

I'm going to keep working out and keep moving forward but I'm going to stop thinking about it as much. I have some pretty big tests coming up for my degree and I can't be distracted by something so insignificant. So what I'm over weight 30lbs, it's not 130lbs...I'm not going to let that consume me anymore. I know I'll have plenty of time in my life to lose the weight and right now that can't be my number 1 priority.  I'm hoping by releasing this priority the fun will return and I will go back to enjoying the more important things in my life. But now what am I going to talk about?

The Little Things

It's amazing what a little positive thinking and a little tiny bit of confidence can do to a person. This past week I realized I only had 6 weeks before my friends wedding. I didn't want to be uncomfortable and be self conscious the entire time I was there. This past week I've done well on eating better and I worked out 5 days a week and even better I was back down to 177lbs. I have started back into my routine I know that works for me. Counting macros was a great eye opener for me and helped me realized that I could have 1 piece of bread as long as I balanced out the rest of my meals. I'm back to eating chicken or steak fajitas that I buy marinated and prepped at the local grocery store. And I also have been making ceviche because I can eat a ton of it without worry about how much fat is in it. I have also been making better snacking choices which is great!

Today I felt so much better about myself despite the fact that I have only lost 3 lbs and that's not enough at my weight to see a difference. I'm hoping that by the time this wedding comes around I can say I've lost 13lbs! How awesome would that be. If I can stick with this routine of mine I know I can do it. I think the eating better has really helped my mood. I also think it's the new gym I joined. It's just FUN! There's no other way to describe it. The energy in that place is amazing, the people who I workout with are all so encouraging and positive. The music is great, I find myself dancing during the workouts. And best of all it's always different and always a challenge. I find that my endurance is getting better. With crossfit the workouts are short and hard, with KOA Kingdom the workouts are a lot longer and still hard. With any weight loss journey these high moments make it motivating and make me want to keep going. Let's hope this high last longer then 2 weeks.

Why Can't I Say No!

Today I woke up feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over me. I wish I could blame the weather but even the nice sunny day isn't able to break through to this rut I'm in. I just feel depressed. And this is not an unusual thing for me but most of the time I know how to fix it...a good workout. I didn't want to go I wanted to stay in my pjs all day like my Monday but I had to push myself out the door leaving behind my excuses. The workout was great, tough but challenging. And I started feeling better but it didn't last long. These kind of moods always have me thinking so negative. I haven't been able to come up with one good thing about myself to focus on today. But on the bright side I haven't really been insulting myself either, I just feel blah. My negative thoughts keep bringing me to last night. Last night I had a task for school I really wanted to finish so I had a couple Dr. Peppers and went and got sunflower seeds to prep for the long hours ahead of me. The problem was I didn't even need those things to get the work done but I couldn't say no to myself. And unfortunately that lead to even more bad choices. I ended up finding the left over cake from my husband's birthday and enjoyed a slice or two of it. Seriously why the hell can't I just say no! I know it's not good for me and I know I'm going to regret it but I still eat it...I still enjoy it...and I still get angry about it every damn time!

I mean honestly I wish there was someone else to blame besides me. Can I blame the food? Can I blame genetics? Can I blame depression? Can I blame stress?  No because each and every choice I make comes down to me and me alone. It would be less depressing if I did have something to blame, something to pin point all my mistakes on in this journey. But that's just not the way things work in life. And it doesn't help that I sit there and compare myself to others and think about all the possibilities on why they are succeeding and I'm not. Do I just not care enough? I'm sure that's it, I'm sure it's because food brings me a comfort when I'm sad and any excuse to enjoy good food makes me give in pretty quick. I realized last night, growing up my mom was always trying the new diets or workouts to help her lose weight. I noticed how hard she worked and how much she would sacrifice for the meal of that diet. But it was always something I didn't want to have happen to me. I didn't want to struggle with my weight, I wanted to steer clear of that. But last night I realized I'm following in her footsteps. While I might not be trying grapefruit for breakfast or only eating meat, I'm still working out as hard and focusing on that aspect of myself. The one thing I didn't want to happen has happened. And now I'm at a loss on what to do. I don't want my children to see this struggle of weight-loss, I want them to see the strength, passion and hard work I'm putting in at the gym.

This is the part of the journey I dread, the sad time. It's been just over 2 weeks and I'm already failing. And failing is never a fun experience. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me want to throw a grown up tantrum because it's not fair! It's not fair that someone is skinny or in shape and they don't have to work as hard as I do but they get to eat whatever they want. Do you think if I fall to the floor crying and kicking, my kids will get me a glass of wine to shut me up? Might be worth a try. I know the tantrum would solve nothing because again that's life and one of the beautiful things about it. We are all made differently and have different strengths or weaknesses. I know it's pointless to compare, to throw a grown up temper tantrum, or to put the blame on anyone else. I just wish I knew how to get myself into a good routine where these ruts don't interfere with my progress. I wish I knew how to tell myself no and be ok with it. Despite the rut I am not quitting! I will push on and keep going to the gym and trying to make better food choices. Let's hope this weekend goes well.

On the Bright Side

After this weekend of feeling like a complete failure in my personal goals. I realized there really is a bright side to everything. While I may not feel like I am anywhere close to my physical goals I have so much going on in my life that is good. I think that we as women tend to get tunnel vision and lose focus on our lives. We can be so focused on the one aspect of improving ourselves and our body that we sometimes forget to sit back and appreciate the good things.

For me these moments tend to be small things that make my heart feel full. For example I am supposed to be doing homework right now but I had to stop to write because I overheard my husband helping my son with his homework. It is the cutest thing to hear my 5 year old yelling out his letters they are learning that week in school. I can just imagine him sitting next to his dad and reading the little story. I'm not jealous that they get that time. I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I have such a kind man in my life that wants to be a part of helping with the kids school work. He wants to spend time with each of our children to make sure that they always know he cares. Yesterday I lost sight of those moments and threw myself an all day pity party. I literally stayed in my pjs all day, hung out with my kids a little bit, and ended up having a few drinks with my husband as we watched the pitiful presidential debate. I was feeling so sorry for myself because I stepped on the stupid scale knowing all to well that it would validate just how bad I did this weekend. It crushed my spirit to see I was back to 179lbs. And that's just it, I let my own personal issues consume me and my whole day. I missed out on those sweet moments because I was wallowing in my own sadness and frustration. I was in my bed most of the day reading. My kids spent hours on the IPad and we rushed to finish school stuff. I wasn't even really present when my son read the new book he got for the week. Just thinking about it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel bad that I shut myself off to my family because I was depressed about weight and stupid body images. They really are stupid. I hate that body image is even an issue. And it's a big issue. Everywhere I look there are ads for getting in shape or products that are supposed to help you lose weight. On days like yesterday those kind of ads fed my sadness and frustration. I hate it!

However, on the bright side,  I got up this morning and forced myself to go to the gym. I forced myself to stop the pity party and to try and look at the bright side. I have a wonderful family that loves me so much. My daughter loves spending all her time with me and my son always tells me how much he loves me. My husband is so supportive and understanding when I have worthless days like yesterday. I have friends who are always texting me encouraging me and checking on me. How can I continue to worry about myself when I have so much to appreciate. I need to figure a way to use the bright side of my life for motivation. Because it's all too easy to sit here and criticize myself  and my flaws. Sinking back in to my state of depression. I think instead of looking at myself and thinking about all the flaws I see, the goal this week will be to look in the mirror every day and compliment one part of my body. I've read somewhere that's supposed to help build confidence. So why not, let's try it. For the next 5 days, compliment one part of your body as you look at yourself in the mirror. And no criticism! This week will be about building myself up so there will hopefully be no more slump days like yesterday. (Fingers crossed)

Frustrated After 11 Days!

This is the biggest problem with doing a health challenge and trying to lose weight. I go through these ups and downs. I'm extremely motivated one week the next I'm still kind of motivated and then by the weekend I'm just done. For instance today and yesterday I ate terrible. We had 4 big pine trees that fell down from a storm. So the last 2 days I've been out working in the yard and really staying active for a couple hours at a time. And even though I'm doing well with my workouts...I told you that's the easy part...it's the eating that always gets me frustrated.

Let me give you a small insight to how crazy my mind works. On days where I eat what I want I fell happy and enjoy them because I am not focusing my whole day's agenda on eating. I'm able to focus on other more important things, like my family and friends. When I do focus on eating well throughout the day I don't tend to feel as happy by the end of it. But then there are nights like tonight where I'm just pissed because I did eat whatever I wanted and I am now ashamed to look in the mirror. What the hell! Why is it that it has to be one or the other? I can't even give myself a glass of wine tonight because I know that would be going overboard on this challenge. Even though my children are having a sleepover at my parents and it's the perfect night for a glass of wine. But no of course I'm not going to get it. I still have 8 weeks left of this diet and I ate like crap for 2 days. These are the days I'm frustrated because it's days like today where I wish I could be satisfied being overweight and out of breath all the time. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty or think twice about the food I ate today. But because I don't enjoy how I look or feel when I'm overweight I have to spend my days worrying about stupid shit like what kind of food I'm eating. Why can't I just be happy in the moment and still work towards my goal? Is that even possible? I feel like that is a contradiction. If I was happy in the moment and didn't always complain about how I look then I would have no motivation to stay healthy.

It's only been 11 days and I'm already mad at myself. I guess the only thing to do now is be thankful for all the good that did happen today and tomorrow regroup and get my focus and motivation back. Because at this point I'm ready to say screw it and just try to maintain my lumps and bumps from getting bigger. I hate feeling this way and it pisses me off that as a woman I feel like I have to maintain this healthy body and be a smaller size. When I know in reality I'm the only one who gives a shit what size I am...well maybe society does as well, but they're not important in my life. The people who are important in my life like; my husband, kids, family, and friends don't care. They all are so encouraging and uplifting I just wish I could jump on their bandwagon and go through life seeing myself through their eyes. I know if I could I would be more than satisfied with my looks and body type. But then what would I have to write about?

Oh well tomorrow is a new day and I'm ready to make this week the best one of the challenge so far!

The Ugly Truth of Weight Loss

I know everyone struggles at one time or another with their weight. I would even go as far to say that the majority struggle with losing weight. That's where I'm at right now. Last week I started a health challenge and I was weighed and measured. Based on the measurements I have 33% body fat and my starting weight is 180lbs. Talk about depressing. Working out is a hobby of mine and something I love doing but this challenge isn't about working out...for me that's the easy part. The challenge is about changing my eating habits. With this challenge I am counting my macro nutrients by grams, I'm counting my carb intake, protein intake, and fat intake. If you're not sure what that's about check out the website http://www.iifym.com/iifym-calculator/ . This will help you learn more and to see how many macros you need each day. It sounds confusing at first but it's supposed to be a flexible way of dieting. And thankfully the lady who did the calculations for me broke down how many grams of each I'm supposed to have by each meal. That really helped me more then by day.

It's been 1 week since I started all of this. And I must say I'm enjoying this type of tracking. I was able to eat gluten free cake yesterday guilt free because it fit into my macros that day. And it also helped that the slice was the size of my finger but I still enjoyed it guilt free. And I know I shouldn't weigh myself often but I need to see results if I'm going to make it another 9 weeks. You heard that right, that means 9 more weeks of no drinking. So I get on the scale and surprise surprise I'm down 3lbs already. And I hate to admit this but the ugly truth to weight loss is, it really is all in the food we eat. I heard my coach say today, "You can't out lift the fork." Which is so true. I have been on this yo-yo weightloss journey for 2 years now and I don't just walk around the block 6 times as a workout. I'm working my ass off each day I'm there at the gym, which is usually 4-5 days a week. And the only time I see results is when I am doing these nutrition challenges and I stop all my bad eating habits. I cut out drinking, eating late at night, snacking, no candy or chips. And what do you know it works. It sucks that it works because I really miss wine and chips and salsa.

I'm hoping that by learning this new way to track my food will help me in the long run and not just in the next 9 weeks. I have been searching for a diet plan that will leave room for the good stuff in moderation. So far it's been good. Definitely better then sticking to paleo or whole 30.

And like any good challenge I took before pictures because that's where I usually see the best results. I hate posting them but at this point I don't care. Maybe all my up and downs will help inspire someone some day.

What's Your Motivation?

Today I was running errands and I everywhere I drove there were people working out. And each person was a different size. It was interesting to see people in different phases of the workout cycle. It got me thinking, are the people that look like they are in great shape satisfied with the way they look? Or are they in the same mind frame I am...I have to get better, I have to look better. I also wondered what motivates them? That's the best thing about fitness though is that everyone has different goals and does it for different reasons. Some want to lose weight, others want to gain weight, some just want to build muscle, and others just want to build a little bit. Some don't even care about the weight but are working out to keep their body and mind healthy. Which for me gives me hope. And also reminds me that I can not compare myself to some of these people. Some are willing to work harder then I am or are more strict with their diet. For me, right now, I need to focus on my goals and my motivation for working out.

Starting the weight-loss journey is always a challenge but I have found that when I have lost the most weight I have had a specific reason on why I want to get better. So why do I work out? Why do I want to lose weight? Well each is different from the other, I work out because I love how it makes me feel. I love that I can keep my depression under wraps when I'm working out regularly. Even when I'm heavier like right now, working out still makes me feel strong and capable. And I love that feeling. That's the feeling that keeps me active.

Now the reason I want to lose weight can all be summed up in one picture. A picture that I know describes feelings of many women. A picture that I know many women have experienced. But for me it's enough to motivate me.

This picture is of me trying my hardest NOT to break down crying in the dressing room. We went shopping for new pants on Sunday because I literally had 2 decent pants that kind of fit me. The rest of my wardrobe is too small now. Which is depressing in itself but when I have to go and try on pants it's almost too overwhelming for me. It ruins my whole day. These size 13's were too small and I hated the way I felt trying them on. I hated the way I felt at this moment.

This feeling is why I want to lose weight. I don't want to go shopping and hold back tears of sadness and frustration. If I'm crying in a dressing room I want it to be because I can finally fit into a size that makes me feel comfortable again. A size that makes me feel confident. This feeling is strong enough to whip my mind into shape. I feel after Sunday I am mentally prepared for the LONG journey to get me back where I want to be.  I know it's not impossible but trying to reach that goal in just a few weeks or even months just isn't what will make it stick. I know if I expect fast results then I quit after the 2nd week. This time I'm in it for a long while.

On a side note...today has been day 2 of changing poor eating habits. I'm already having to fight the battles of choosing between getting a Dr. Pepper or not. Seriously I want one so bad! I can even imagine the taste in my mouth. It's only been 1 full day of no soda and I know my body is detoxing from it but I know have to fight the urge. I can't go back to that feeling. I will keep fighting this each day until it no longer becomes a struggle. Just like saying no to bread or chocolate after a week or two my body doesn't even crave it. It's important to push past this first month. And this time I know I can do it, I'm ready!

So what's your motivation? Are you ready?

The Crossfit High

I have heard the hype of crossfit for a long time now. I was extremely hesitant at first because I'm sure like a lot of people I heard many horror stories on people who got injured after starting crossfit. What finally motivated me to try it out was seeing the incredible transformation of a friend, I thought, "Damn, why am I not doing this?" So I found a groupon and went to try it out. My first thought was this is great! The coaches are extremely knowledgeable and the other people in the class were super friendly. I had finally found people with similar likes!  And so I was hooked. I had my first taste of the intense workouts that push a person to their max. I loved it, and I wanted more.

At first it was so frustrating. I was usually one of the last people to finish the WOD (workout of the day) and I couldn't lift as much as everyone. But I was determined to stick it out for at least 6 months to a year. Month by month I could see improvement and I was far from last at this point. It was exciting and I loved seeing the changes in my mind and my body. All I could talk about was crossfit or what I so proudly accomplished in the WOD that day. I did reach a lot of personal goals like learning how to climb the rope or even do a kipping pull up. Which took the high and kept me coming back.

After about 7 months I took a 2 month break. All my hard work had disappeared. I was drinking a lot of wine and beer. I wasn't as active and truth be told I found a lot of good excuses for not getting to a gym. (I'm pretty good at finding excuses for anything in life...especially if I'm really not motivated.)

The whole time I was on vacation, I felt guilty, guilty I wasn't doing crossfit. I was practicing yoga every morning and I would run at nights usually 1-2 nights a week. So why did I feel so guilty? Why did I feel like what I was doing wasn't good enough? I was having the time of my life, spending the days at the pool or the beach with my two children. I had no real obligations but to spend time with my kids. Which I loved! Yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I'm cringing and stressing that I didn't find a good crossfit gym; that I didn't workout as hard that day. I did find one place with all the right equipment and was open 24 hrs. But it just took too much for me to go at 10 pm. So I stopped that after 2 weeks. Wasted $35 but hey at least I tried right...see excuses. I even used yoga to help me with my mood swings. As terrible as that is I was being a grumpy mom and wife all because I was so selfishly anxious and stressed that everything I worked for was slipping away. Yoga helped center me and really helped me feel good about just relaxing and enjoying that time with my family. Meditation works wonders! I finally settled in to the routine and stopped thinking about what my body looks like or that I should be going to the gym. I was able to think more about all the wonderful memories I was making with my family. And I really liked that stress free feeling. I liked not having to worry about my weight. Too bad that feeling didn't stick.

Once we got back from our trip all those personal stresses came back. I am back up to 180lbs and a size 15, when we left I was 167 and was fitting nicely into my size 12/13 pants. So here I am thinking, "I'm back and ready for my crossfit fix." "Ready to kick this extra weights ass!" Only problem was now when I worked out I didn't enjoy it. It just made me mad. It made me mad because I had to start over AGAIN! I'm back at finishing close to last, not being able to catch my breath and back to looking like I did when I first started 11 months ago. And for some reason maybe the 2 month break opened my eyes but the place I am going to seems to have gotten more competitive...or maybe I have because I'm so pissed that I'm back to square one. And since I'm a pretty competitive person I feel defeated after each workout. Which is pretty depressing for me. I feel like the 2 month vacation weaned me from the addiction I had with crossfit. I no longer want to lift heavier or do 100 pull ups. I want to feel good! And I want to have fun! Again I could just be making excuses but I'm tired of trying so hard and not feeling satisfied with my results after each workout. To some that may be motivation to keep pushing harder to get better. Or may seem like I'm giving up too easy. But for me it pushes me back into the black hole of depression and makes me want to give up all together. I am trying hard to hold on to my relaxed and happy self like I was the last 3 weeks of the vacation. Those last 3 weeks were so calm for me and I really felt like I was enjoying the moment. I don't want to lose that feeling.

Last week I decided to try a boxing/kick boxing gym that opened up just down the street from me. I tried one class and fell in love. I mean who doesn't like taking all the built up frustrations out on a punching bag? I actually didn't even realize I was holding so much anger and frustration in until about halfway through when I could feel it being released. I was sweating and smiling at the same time. I was having fun! And even though it was my first class I didn't feel like that at all. I felt like I had been going to this place for months. This is the type of place I can see myself enjoying for a long time. Plus it's so close to my house and son's school, the convenience factor is a big deal. I'll be able to get a great workout in and accomplish more at home. I'm nervous about leaving crossfit and wonder if I'll be able to fully let go. I really don't want to lose my gym buddies but I need to do what I can do hold onto that happy and calm person. I want to leave smiling not trying to hold back the tears of frustration. So let this next journey begin! I have to finish out this month at crossfit but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to sign up and do both for a bit. I'm looking forward to the change!

My Bad Day as a Mom

I figured since it's Mother's Day, I can share some of my personal feelings about being a mom. Being a mom is the best job I've had. There are so many wonderful moments each day. And I am always smiling and taking a moment to soak it all in just how lucky I am to be a mother. My children are my world and they truly make me feel like I'm on crazy pills. One moment I'll be laughing and smiling the next I'm beyond frustrated and sending them to time out. But I love it so much the bad moments are over shadowed by all the great moments.

Now being a mom I know that I am no where perfect and we all have our bad days. It's not something I know is talked about a lot because most women want to come off as the perfect mom who can do no wrong. But I feel my bad day lead to something great, something I could really learn from. The past week I had an absolutely terrible day as a mom. That day is now categorized under shit days forever. I don't know why but I was really struggling. Not the normal day to day frustration but the type of day where even one small whine sends a desire of rage straight through my body. It's something I just can't explain and that day I had to put myself in time out...yes you read correct, I put me in timeout three times. I needed to for my sanity and to show my children that even though they were driving me crazy it was necessary for me to step away from the situation. Funny how even on my bad days I'm trying to teach my children a lesson about the bigger picture. I had one bad moment where I lost control and yelled loud over nothing. I won't elaborate just how bad I was freaking out but it wasn't pretty. In the heat of the moment I saw my children's eyes. I saw the sadness that was there...the sadness I created because they knew I wasn't happy with them. They seek my approval so much at this young age and here I was crushing it. In that moment I told myself I had to get over whatever frustration was struggling to seep out of every pore in my body and get back my control. Sounds drastic but that's how bad I saw it. Almost like the moment Boo from Monsters Inc saw Sully being the ""scary" monster (see I really am a mom, the only reference I could think of was from a Disney movie). The fear in my children's eyes reflected that surprise and fear. And needless to say I felt awful! I took my son and daughter and gave them each a hug and apologized for being a bad example and being so mean. I told them how much I loved that and that I was so grateful they still loved me even on my bad days. My son returned the hug and said, "Mom I love you with all my heart even on bad days." His level of compassion and forgiveness was a beautiful moment for me and one I will always cherish. Being a mom I know I put so much pressure on myself to live what I teach and how I want my children to be. And on my worst day they turned around and showed me that I might not be doing such a bad job after all...at least not in their eyes. I am so grateful for my children and becoming a mom has changed me in more ways that I can count. It is my favorite job and I'm so glad that despite the horrible, bad, and real day that I had as a mother my children were there to turn it all around and be my light once again.

I look at this quote all the time and realized on that bad day the reason I was struggling was because I was trying to put myself first. My children were doing what ever they could to get my attention but I was too preoccupied with trying to get everything I needed to done to see what they truly needed. Once I took a break and sat with them and gave them the positive attention they were seeking, the fighting stopped, the whining stopped, and the crying stopped. I was too blinded to see my children that day and I'm grateful for their forgiveness that opened my eyes to see them and what they needed. Our bad day ended up being a great day after all. 

"Enjoy each day for you will never have this day with your children again...it will be over before you know it." 

Finding the Balance

The past couple of months I have really been learning to balance my weight loss goals with my happiness. It's been a real challenge trying not to fall back into the bad habits of insulting myself every time I look in the mirror or feel guilty as I eat the delicious pizza. Or thinking about how hard I have to workout just to enjoy that piece of pizza. I feel like I am finally leaning in the right direction. I have been giving myself the benefit of the doubt. I don't eat "clean" like most health nuts but I do make good choices when I make my food. I have cut back A LOT on eating out and I enjoy making healthier foods at home. The problem with finding this balance is that it's so easy to get swept right back into the old mental habits I've done for so long. It's even harder when everyone around me is doing the same. Insulting their bodies, feeling guilty for splurging and enjoying the "bad" foods. There are some days where I have to tune the people out. I ignore what they have to say because I don't want to start doubting myself and how I feel about myself. And I know we are supposed to encourage each other but there are days where I feel like if I sympathize with people in regards to how they're feeling I'm enabling their bad habits to continue.

One of the many good thing to come out of this transition is that now instead of feeling guilty about what I eat I feel guilty when I talk bad about myself. Whether I'm talking to a friend or to myself as I pass by a mirror. By doing that it makes me a hypocrite and takes me farther away from moving forward. Besides I know deep down inside I'm fishing for compliments. When in reality I should be the one giving myself the compliments. Not to create a cocky sense of self worth but to create a confident and accepting sense of self worth. Other people's opinions aren't what matter when it comes to my body and how I feel, my opinion is the only one that should count. Unfortunately finding that happiness part of the balance is by far the hardest. But I'm working on not only changing my body to where I feel the most comfortable and happy. But I'm also changing the way I think about my body and different ideas on what happiness is. Thankfully I am part of a great Facebook group that inspire women to find the balance and to find the joy along the way. It's been a huge help having that positive influence and has really made a difference in how I am going about accomplishing my goals.

I'm far from where I need to be and am frustrated I'm not progressing as fast as I want with my weight loss goals. But I now that I'm working on it the right way and I'm keeping myself healthy and in good shape. And in the long run what is your ultimate goal anyway for wanting to lose weight?Mine is to be comfortable in my clothes and to be an example for
my children that being fit allows me to participate in so many fun activities and will hopefully keep me healthy so I can live a long time.  

Fun Outdoor Tabata Workout

I have been stepping my game up recently to get prepared for the Spartan Race my husband and I are doing at the end of June. Recently I injured my knee some how so I was looking for ways to still get a good cardio workout that will build my endurance. I asked my dad who is a certified personal trainer and he suggested Tabata workouts. Last week I did 3 and I loved it. What I've been doing is 10-11 different workouts in a row 4 times and then I rest for 2-3 minutes and go back and do another 4 workouts 4 times. The workout listed above was modified first because I suck at pull ups and second I wanted a good ab workout.  I did run slow 1 mile as my warm up and made sure I stretched properly. And I did take longer breaks when needed, especially when I felt my knee was starting to hurt. Always pay attention to your body so you can help minimize the risk of serious injury.

So for the workout above what I used was:

1 Large Tire
1 Large ball
1 60lb sand bag (got mine at home depot for $5)
2 10lb weights
1 20lb kettlebell
Gloves because I don't like touching spiders

The first round of Tabata included: (repeat 4x)

Push-ups
Burpees
Kettlebell squats
Incline Shoulder Press (This is where I used the ball to create an incline bench)
Bicep Curls
Toe Squats-not sure the real name but go up on your toes and go into a deep squat then lift up and onto your toes.
Russian Twists (Abs)
Sand bag carry (walked around at a fast pace...will work up to running with it)
Tire flip
Plank
Lunge Jump Switch

Rest 2-4 mins

Second Round of Tabata (Repeat 4x)

Quick alternating step touches
Plank while lowering one side of hip to the ground then switching
jumping jacks
Spartan bear crawl

It was definitely a challenge but it was fun. And best part was it didn't feel like a 30 minutes work out!

I loved it so much I can't wait to try it again...maybe next time I create a whole new workout.

YouTube Review: 1000 Calorie HIIT Workout

This will be the first of many youtube reviews of workouts I find online. I am too cheap to get a gym membership and I get bored with the same routine. I have done the Insanity workouts numerous times and I am venturing out trying to keep me entertained while getting into shape at the same time.

Review 1:

Today I bumped into a workout that claims to burn about 1000 calories in one hour. I was skeptical at first so I figured lets try it out and see just how challenging this really is. I have never done any of Christine Salus's workouts until today. But what I liked most about this workout was that there was no equipment needed to complete this routine.  All you need is a chair and a kettlebell if you wanted to use weights. I used a 10lb kettlebell to start with and then switched to 20lbs when I knew what kind of exercises I was doing. I didn't want to start big and be too tired to finish the video.

To begin I warmed up with a 400m jog on the treadmill and a few stretches to make sure I was nice and warm before this hour long workout. Another great thing I liked about this workout is that it is an interval workout. So the first 20 minute interval she has you doing 40 secs of workout and 15 secs of high knees. Which was great because it made the first 20 minutes go by quickly and it was challenging but not unrealistic.  The next 20 minutes were strength training and a welcome break from the cardio circuits. Then the last 20 minutes were a repeat of the first 20 minute interval. Now that was a challenge to get through the last 20 minutes. I almost quit at that point but I did rest when I needed and kept going. Even if I had decided to stop after the second 20 minute interval I wouldn't have felt bad about it because that would have been a great 40 minute workout. Which is nice I like knowing that I can still get a good workout with having to feel guilty if I cut the time short.

This video reminded me of an insanity workout on steroids, only because of the strength training mixed in with it. And it was nice to see her struggling as well to complete some of the more challenging intervals. The only thing I didn't like was there was no music in her video so I made sure I had my own. But I feel like she kept her word and by the end of the video because I'm sure I burned approximately 1000 calories. I was sweating so much I needed to grab a towel. I'll be drinking lots and lots of water today trying to keep myself hydrated.  I definitely enjoyed the challenge. About halfway through my legs were burning. Even 45 minutes after the workout my arms are still feeling weak and my legs are still burning. I enjoyed this challenge and will be trying more of her videos and I will also be doing this one again. I know it will help me reach my goal.

Star Rating:

4 out of 5

12 Week Weight Loss Challenge #200ktransform- Day1

Today is the start of a 12 week weight loss challenge on bodybuilding.com, I did it because I'm literally so fed up with being in yoga pants and dreading the thought of getting in "real" clothes. There's no going back for me, I am motivated and determined to have one of the best WOW pictures for this 12 week. I'm going to post my pictures from yesterday so everyone can see the progress of my transformation. I will also be posting reviews on youtube videos I use to help me along the way.

Here are my pictures, I'm posting them so I can put it out there that there are real women out there looking to make a change to their body. Instead of those women who are already skinny and want to do a 12 week transformation which is in comparison for people like me trying to fit into prebaby jeans 2 weeks after delivery, it's not a realistic goal. This time I've got a realistic goal in mind and I want or hope to inspire other women to push themselves to make the changes they want. I'm not looking to get ripped but I do want to feel good about myself in this bikini and at the moment I would feel very self conscious wearing this out in public. That is my goal! And I know that I can achieve it, whether that be in 12 weeks or in 24 weeks. I'll keep pushing myself until I get there. Good luck to the rest of you looking to make changes in your life.

Weight lose vs happiness: Losing the battle

Well fuck this!  I've been doing so good and then christmas happened now it's been 2 weeks since my last workout and I've eaten like complete shit. Each time I put something bad in my mouth I tried to justify it as enjoying the holidays.  I enjoyed them alright but there was no balance.  Now I'm even more disappointed in myself and I feel even worse in my skin.  So fuck it! 

I hate feeling this way,  I hate getting off track.  I'm to the point now where I'm just pissed at myself. I need something more,  a better plan to help me find that balance between the battle of Losing weight and my happiness.  Because right now I'm definitely losing. I'm at a loss as to what to do but I'll figure something out...I hope.

I wish I was one of those lucky people who could have a personal chef and a trainer. Seriously a month or two of that would be amazing and would get back in the habit of eating good and working out.  But I know that's a far fetched option so my only option is for me to stop wasting time and get my ass in grear.  Why if I've already lost 30lbs once am I struggling to get started again. I know how great I felt when I was in shape I thought it would be enough motivation but I guess I was wrong.  Maybe this time I need a little more of a support system and not just myself. we will see I'm going to have it figured out in the next 2 days so I can start 2015 off right. 

Big Changes Require Small Steps

Like many things in life, big changes require small steps. I thought I could handle jumping in head first into clean eating. Well it has been more of a challenge than I expected. Thankfully though I haven't let my mess ups stop me from making small improvements each day. The first day was horrible, I think I had 2 glasses of wine, pizza, pumpkin pie, and chips, along with other bad things. BUT the next day I decided to do better and this cycle of improving has just continued.

It actually is getting me excited to be making these changes. I've also been working out really well and staying consistent the past week. I have already dropped 3 lbs and I am happy with the progress. I forgot how much motivation there is in watching my body change from my hard work and effort. The changes are small and only I can feel them at this point but I know that if I keep up the efforts I will be able to see the differences. Hopefully in the way my pants fit me.

The works outs have also been another lesson. I know how to lose weight and I know which exercises work best for me but it's all a matter of me actually doing them. I tend to sell myself short on what I can do. Especially when I haven't worked out in such a long time. I don't realize just how big the barriers my thoughts are putting on myself. I am learning to talk to myself in a more positive way and in a more encouraging way. So when I'm feeling tired and ready to stop not because I can't go anymore but just because I don't want to work that hard. I tell myself, "Don't cut yourself short, it's not going to help you reach your goals, go a little further. You'll be happy you did." Usually when I'm really struggling I repeat this a few times. But once again big changes require small steps. These small steps I'm taking are leading me down the path I have been struggling to find for a few months now. And now that I'm back at the beginning of the path I am looking forward to staying on it and reaching my goal. My goal to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and clothes again. A goal to keep me healthy so I can be there for my family. I'm excited to finally be back on track!

These small steps to change are the hardest to get moving but once they are in motion I feel like they are the hardest to stop.

Diet Pyramid Scheme

Ever have that moment of realization, the realization that you've completely let yourself go? I had that just the other day. I went bridesmaid dress shopping with a few friends and it was a sad realization I was the biggest one. And now recently my skin is starting to hurt because it's having to stretch again. Some may think this is an exaggeration but it's sadly the truth. 

This made me think about how I got
to this point. Last year this time I was fitting into a size 7 and running almost an hour and a half daily. Now I'm a size 11/12 and can barely run for 25 mins. This is so depressing to think how one small choice can lead to so many bad choices that trying to get back on track is just plain depressing. Thinking about my choices to eat poorly or not workout that day lead me to come up with the diet pyramid scheme. I know when I hear the words pyramid scheme I automatically think about the negative. But there are some people and some companies that have a system built up that can be very helpful and beneficial for those involved.

This is a pyramid scheme is not one that others get us involved in it's one that we put on ourselves. It's one that like most pyramid schemes can be either really good for some or really bad for others.

Think about the people who succeed at those type of businesses. They are the self-motivated individuals ready for a positive change in their lives, willing to put in the effort to build up their team full of positive people who can help them succeed. Now on the other hand those who don't succeed tend to just end up wasting time and money. These are the people who are wishful thinkers that don't want to put in the time and effort to get the results they want, usually hoping to find that one person who will do all the work to get them to the top.

The diet pyramid scheme is just like the business pyramid schemes. People who are ready for a change in their bodies, lifestyles, and who are motivated to do what it takes are usually the ones who see the biggest difference and keep on track for the long haul. The ones who can motivate people and see the results they want over time. These people are the ones that are building their pyramid on positive choices by eating better and working out properly.  People who are wishful and unrealistic tend to make the right choices for a little bit hoping to get the results they want. These people usually end up being depressed because the weight is not coming off and they aren't going to see the results they want. Building their pyramid on negativity, poor eating habits, and lacking the proper work outs.

Now I can understand both sides of the pyramid. Last year I was on the positive side. Working my ass off to lose all 30lbs of baby weight and to finally FEEL good in my body. However, this year, once I started working I was sitting for 8 plus hours a day. I start making excuses for why I wasn't working out or why I was eating more junk food. Those bad choices started out slowly and then gradually became a norm in my daily life. I am now 25lbs heavier since January and I FEEL like crap in my own body. Well I'm done being on the wishful thinking and having unrealistic goals that lead me to nowhere. Nowhere but sad and depressed; eating a large candy bar, followed by a whole bottle of salsa and practically a whole bag of chips. And don't forget about all the wine! The problem is I get started and I'm doing well and staying strong for a week or two at a time then I find some reason usually it was a trip to stop working out. I'd tell myself, you can just start again when you get home...That leads to me having to start all over again and thus the cycle begins again.

If you look at the earlier posts I kept saying I'm done with this crap, no more for me....well it was all bullshit really. Just me crying wolf, it was me thinking I was really ready to take on such a large challenge. But I wasn't ready, there were too many excuses I kept making over and over. Now I feel like since I have all of my trips out of the way. A wedding to look good for in 5 months, and I'm not working anymore. I have zero excuses not to get back into shape and to feel better about myself.  This doesn't just include working out this also included the foods I eat and how much I drink. I am going to challenge myself to 30 days of clean eating starting on December 1. Of course I'll have cheat days on Christmas and New Years Eve but I'd really like to get back to my strict eating habits and working out habits as well. I have 25lbs to lose and a size 6 dress to fit into by April. I'm done being on the negative side of the diet pyramid scheme. No more building up my pyramid with poor choices. Today it is all about positive reinforcement.This means talking to myself  in a kinder way, being happy about the good choices I make and thinking about the bigger picture. This means that I know with time and patience the results I want will happen and not in two weeks. Two weeks isn't long enough to be where I want to...two months is different. By then it will be fun to see how far I've come along. I'll post my recipes and reviews as I take on the 30 day clean eating challenge. Anyone else who wants to join I'd love to be of support and have more support.


Think about it, what type of pyramid are you building yourself up on...the good or the bad?

I'm Back!

I've been gone the last two weeks traveling as much as I can with my flight benefits before I quit my job. I no longer work for an airline, I will be starting my next adventure of returning to school full time to earn my teaching degree!

I just got caught up on all my errands and phone calls I needed to do so I will be back to blogging within the next day or two. Stay tuned, I've got some fun things in mind!

The Lonely Civilian Effect

As I reflect on this special day for our family, I think about the years of service my husband gave to his country. I think about all the wonderful men and women we met along the way. These men and women were not all soldiers but they were all a part of the military.  Most women I met were the wives or girlfriends of the men my husband worked with. These women became my closest friends and confidants during the most challenging time in our lives. We all went through two-four deployments with our soldiers. Some were on their first. No matter what we were all there to help offer support to one another. The military life is one that can't be explained to civilians. It is a life full of waiting, laughter, tears, stress, joy, and many more emotions all at once. This life usually takes you far away from your friends and biological families. This allows for the strong sense of community that is felt being a part of the military. This community allowed us to build a family not tied together by blood but by life.

Being a part of the military family has helped me become who I am. I have a stronger perspective on what sacrifice truly is and just how strong people can be for one another. Of course the military has its many downfalls but today is not about that. Today is about the sacrifice our soldiers made to serve our country. Some we lost along the way and others never really quite came back the same. Today is also a day to remember the love, strength, and sacrifices that we as military spouses made and show on a daily basis. I like to think of the spouses as the backbone of the military. Without families to love and support our men and women there is no reason for them to fight for our freedom. We served as their reasons to help create a better life for our country, without the families there would be no need for passion or for sacrifice. There's nothing selfless about giving up your life for your life; it's when the life that is taken away all too soon is given up for their brothers they're fighting alongside, their mothers, fathers, spouses, children, brothers or sisters, this is where the true selfless act takes place.  These men and women deserve the utmost respect and gratitude for their work and sacrifice. I also think their families deserve the same. I feel that the struggles and side effects of military life on the families is something that isn't talked about enough; or given enough credit.

I can only speak from experience that being a part of such a large family has been one of the best experiences of my life. Today of all days I'm missing our military family and the friends. So much that I get what I call the lonely civilian effect. The civilian effect isn't one that I was warned about, people warn you that life is different and some people can't handle civilian life for one reason or another and end up joining back up shortly after they get out. Let me explain. 

There's a difference between being in the military and being out of the military. The loneliness one feels while being in the military is a feeling of missing family and friends back home. Missing my husband when he is out on a training for weeks on end and I'm left back home to continue the my daily life. Being out of the military the loneliness that is felt is a feeling of missing that community, that comradery. The fact that there is always someone who understands what I was going through. I miss having people to call or called me almost daily to see what we were doing or how I was doing. I miss our Friday/Saturday BBQ/game night. We had some pretty epic BBQ's and some memorable game nights that left our sides hurting from laughing so hard.  In the military our schedules revolve around our spouses. And since most of the people I hung out with worked with my husband we all had very similar schedules making it easy to hold gatherings and to find time to hang out. In the civilian world things are very different each individual family has their own schedule it's not based on the military time frame but on our own. Which is wonderful but at the same time it makes it very difficult to plan times to hang out with one another. I find that this is one reason why making friends outside of the military is such a challenge and this is where the civilian loneliness comes in.  I still stay in contact with many of the friends I made being in the military but texting and facebook just aren't the same as our BBQ's or game nights.

As my closest friend, Weronika and I text back and forth day in and out it’s just not the same as having someone to talk with in person. I understand that being a stay at home mom or a working mom requires some sacrifices, most people don't understand that one is having close friends. I have lived in Utah for over 5 years now I have met wonderful people but no one I know who just walks in the door and make themselves at home. No one who texts or calls me with problems or good news. At times it's extremely lonely. When we transferred bases within the first 6 months we had made new friends that I hung out with all the time. I thought I was just being emotional and unable to detach myself from that life but now Weronika is in similar position and has experienced some of that loneliness. Which makes being apart so much harder. Being a part of a military family this kind of loneliness doesn't last long because there's always someone else going through something similar or someone new moving in. It's easy to find things in common with almost anyone. In the civilian world, it's much harder and lonely.

Another big difference is that where I live most people have their families close by and most would rather hang out with their family than find new friends. It's weird to me to see because when you live away from your family there's something special about finding and building a new family. A family away from your real family. Spending holidays together, going shopping together, and even arguing like a real family. Being in an area where everyone is surrounded by their real family means they aren't forced to go out of their circle of comfort to find new friends. Which is what I feel has made finding good friends hard to do.

Since I'm not a part of a church community or my children aren't old enough to be in school or sports programs I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. Now don't get me wrong I have tried to find friends, I have sought out friendships but honestly I haven't been able to find anything close to the military life. I'm sure many women will understand what I mean. And those who don't are probably thinking why I don’t join mommy and me groups, set up play dates, etc. Well I've tried all that I've even tried joining Bunco groups but with no success. I'm not trying to throw a pity party here; I've had 5 years to deal with it and have learned to accept it. All I'm trying to say is that this is a side effect that lingers and is one that should be talked about with the families. Civilian life is very different. I think what really surprises me the most is how long this side effect has lasted. There are moments that hit me out of nowhere and I miss it so much I actually cry. 

Thankfully though I still have a very close friend I talk with all the time and I have a wonderful spouse that does nothing but support me. My children have helped with the distraction and I love having them around. I often wonder how life would be if we were still in the military now that we have children. The challenges and struggles would be different but that community of support would still be there. What I worry about are the women who don't have that support. How they are handling it and what resources are available for them.  I wish the government would take the families struggles into considerations as well. After all we are the backbone of the military.

I'm grateful for our time there and the people we did meet. The memories of our time have brought me joy in these sad moments and possibly what have brought them on. But I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm proud that I can call myself a military spouse and that my husband served his country proudly.

 

These Days

 When I look at my little girl I have a sense I've known her my whole life. A sense she was always the one I felt was waiting for me.  And when I look my son I see the love and joy I was always searching for.  My children are so different and it's amazing to me to see the different purposes they have in my life.  The different lessons each of them have taught me. I know this now,  this was the something special God had intended all along. All my struggles to find myself,  find happiness, and peace they've all lead up to me becoming a wife and a mother. 

I think back to one instance where my world was very dark.  My life seemed pointless.  I was in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship, I was manipulated to the point I had pushed away my friends and family.  I was very lonely and the only person I could turn to was God. Even in my darkest moments there was always a small light that I held onto; the thought that one day i would be strong enough to over come this and find my happiness.  I knew life wasn't meant to be sad or hurting all the time. I realize now the light of hope that God was giving me was not just from him but it was also my children holding the light guiding me in the right direction. I'm so grateful they never gave up on me and stayed steady and patient waiting for me to find my way out of the darkness. 

Back to my life today.  My moments of darkness are still present in my life.  They no longer come in thoughts of uselessness or worthless. They now come in the moments of pure frustration and anger.  The darkness seems to wrap itself around me as I am yelling and freaking out at my children.  when I'm in that moment my emotions are uncontrollable and I can't help but yell and sometimes cry in pure frustration.  Then I look at my children and I see the sadness or even fear at times and I realize if I don't stop my darkness is going to wrap itself around my children as well.  It's my turn to be their light. To help give them the love, joy, and kindness they deserve. 

However on those long and exhausting days is easy to forget the light and love my children can bring into my life.  I know by the end of the night there are days where I yearn for just a few more precious moments.  And other days bed time can't come fast enough. I know on these bad days I really struggle with the guilt I feel once everyone is asleep and I  lay there recapping the events of the day. Praying that in my children's mind there was more good moments than bad.  Days like today are difficult for me to remember the small things that really matter in life.  It's days like this when I just need one moment of quiet or to ask one thing without getting yelled at or having to count to 3. These are the days when I need to remember it's my turn to be their light and love. It's on these days they need it the most.