These Days

 When I look at my little girl I have a sense I've known her my whole life. A sense she was always the one I felt was waiting for me.  And when I look my son I see the love and joy I was always searching for.  My children are so different and it's amazing to me to see the different purposes they have in my life.  The different lessons each of them have taught me. I know this now,  this was the something special God had intended all along. All my struggles to find myself,  find happiness, and peace they've all lead up to me becoming a wife and a mother. 

I think back to one instance where my world was very dark.  My life seemed pointless.  I was in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship, I was manipulated to the point I had pushed away my friends and family.  I was very lonely and the only person I could turn to was God. Even in my darkest moments there was always a small light that I held onto; the thought that one day i would be strong enough to over come this and find my happiness.  I knew life wasn't meant to be sad or hurting all the time. I realize now the light of hope that God was giving me was not just from him but it was also my children holding the light guiding me in the right direction. I'm so grateful they never gave up on me and stayed steady and patient waiting for me to find my way out of the darkness. 

Back to my life today.  My moments of darkness are still present in my life.  They no longer come in thoughts of uselessness or worthless. They now come in the moments of pure frustration and anger.  The darkness seems to wrap itself around me as I am yelling and freaking out at my children.  when I'm in that moment my emotions are uncontrollable and I can't help but yell and sometimes cry in pure frustration.  Then I look at my children and I see the sadness or even fear at times and I realize if I don't stop my darkness is going to wrap itself around my children as well.  It's my turn to be their light. To help give them the love, joy, and kindness they deserve. 

However on those long and exhausting days is easy to forget the light and love my children can bring into my life.  I know by the end of the night there are days where I yearn for just a few more precious moments.  And other days bed time can't come fast enough. I know on these bad days I really struggle with the guilt I feel once everyone is asleep and I  lay there recapping the events of the day. Praying that in my children's mind there was more good moments than bad.  Days like today are difficult for me to remember the small things that really matter in life.  It's days like this when I just need one moment of quiet or to ask one thing without getting yelled at or having to count to 3. These are the days when I need to remember it's my turn to be their light and love. It's on these days they need it the most.