The Lonely Civilian Effect

As I reflect on this special day for our family, I think about the years of service my husband gave to his country. I think about all the wonderful men and women we met along the way. These men and women were not all soldiers but they were all a part of the military.  Most women I met were the wives or girlfriends of the men my husband worked with. These women became my closest friends and confidants during the most challenging time in our lives. We all went through two-four deployments with our soldiers. Some were on their first. No matter what we were all there to help offer support to one another. The military life is one that can't be explained to civilians. It is a life full of waiting, laughter, tears, stress, joy, and many more emotions all at once. This life usually takes you far away from your friends and biological families. This allows for the strong sense of community that is felt being a part of the military. This community allowed us to build a family not tied together by blood but by life.

Being a part of the military family has helped me become who I am. I have a stronger perspective on what sacrifice truly is and just how strong people can be for one another. Of course the military has its many downfalls but today is not about that. Today is about the sacrifice our soldiers made to serve our country. Some we lost along the way and others never really quite came back the same. Today is also a day to remember the love, strength, and sacrifices that we as military spouses made and show on a daily basis. I like to think of the spouses as the backbone of the military. Without families to love and support our men and women there is no reason for them to fight for our freedom. We served as their reasons to help create a better life for our country, without the families there would be no need for passion or for sacrifice. There's nothing selfless about giving up your life for your life; it's when the life that is taken away all too soon is given up for their brothers they're fighting alongside, their mothers, fathers, spouses, children, brothers or sisters, this is where the true selfless act takes place.  These men and women deserve the utmost respect and gratitude for their work and sacrifice. I also think their families deserve the same. I feel that the struggles and side effects of military life on the families is something that isn't talked about enough; or given enough credit.

I can only speak from experience that being a part of such a large family has been one of the best experiences of my life. Today of all days I'm missing our military family and the friends. So much that I get what I call the lonely civilian effect. The civilian effect isn't one that I was warned about, people warn you that life is different and some people can't handle civilian life for one reason or another and end up joining back up shortly after they get out. Let me explain. 

There's a difference between being in the military and being out of the military. The loneliness one feels while being in the military is a feeling of missing family and friends back home. Missing my husband when he is out on a training for weeks on end and I'm left back home to continue the my daily life. Being out of the military the loneliness that is felt is a feeling of missing that community, that comradery. The fact that there is always someone who understands what I was going through. I miss having people to call or called me almost daily to see what we were doing or how I was doing. I miss our Friday/Saturday BBQ/game night. We had some pretty epic BBQ's and some memorable game nights that left our sides hurting from laughing so hard.  In the military our schedules revolve around our spouses. And since most of the people I hung out with worked with my husband we all had very similar schedules making it easy to hold gatherings and to find time to hang out. In the civilian world things are very different each individual family has their own schedule it's not based on the military time frame but on our own. Which is wonderful but at the same time it makes it very difficult to plan times to hang out with one another. I find that this is one reason why making friends outside of the military is such a challenge and this is where the civilian loneliness comes in.  I still stay in contact with many of the friends I made being in the military but texting and facebook just aren't the same as our BBQ's or game nights.

As my closest friend, Weronika and I text back and forth day in and out it’s just not the same as having someone to talk with in person. I understand that being a stay at home mom or a working mom requires some sacrifices, most people don't understand that one is having close friends. I have lived in Utah for over 5 years now I have met wonderful people but no one I know who just walks in the door and make themselves at home. No one who texts or calls me with problems or good news. At times it's extremely lonely. When we transferred bases within the first 6 months we had made new friends that I hung out with all the time. I thought I was just being emotional and unable to detach myself from that life but now Weronika is in similar position and has experienced some of that loneliness. Which makes being apart so much harder. Being a part of a military family this kind of loneliness doesn't last long because there's always someone else going through something similar or someone new moving in. It's easy to find things in common with almost anyone. In the civilian world, it's much harder and lonely.

Another big difference is that where I live most people have their families close by and most would rather hang out with their family than find new friends. It's weird to me to see because when you live away from your family there's something special about finding and building a new family. A family away from your real family. Spending holidays together, going shopping together, and even arguing like a real family. Being in an area where everyone is surrounded by their real family means they aren't forced to go out of their circle of comfort to find new friends. Which is what I feel has made finding good friends hard to do.

Since I'm not a part of a church community or my children aren't old enough to be in school or sports programs I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. Now don't get me wrong I have tried to find friends, I have sought out friendships but honestly I haven't been able to find anything close to the military life. I'm sure many women will understand what I mean. And those who don't are probably thinking why I don’t join mommy and me groups, set up play dates, etc. Well I've tried all that I've even tried joining Bunco groups but with no success. I'm not trying to throw a pity party here; I've had 5 years to deal with it and have learned to accept it. All I'm trying to say is that this is a side effect that lingers and is one that should be talked about with the families. Civilian life is very different. I think what really surprises me the most is how long this side effect has lasted. There are moments that hit me out of nowhere and I miss it so much I actually cry. 

Thankfully though I still have a very close friend I talk with all the time and I have a wonderful spouse that does nothing but support me. My children have helped with the distraction and I love having them around. I often wonder how life would be if we were still in the military now that we have children. The challenges and struggles would be different but that community of support would still be there. What I worry about are the women who don't have that support. How they are handling it and what resources are available for them.  I wish the government would take the families struggles into considerations as well. After all we are the backbone of the military.

I'm grateful for our time there and the people we did meet. The memories of our time have brought me joy in these sad moments and possibly what have brought them on. But I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm proud that I can call myself a military spouse and that my husband served his country proudly.