Do I Really Want This?

I know it's been a while since I've posted but I've been struggling a lot and didn't have anything good to say. There weren't any positive things about my weight loss journey I could share. Which was pretty frustrating.

I've been struggling with a few things, mainly motivation and mainly with just giving a fuck. I'm so frustrated because I know I'm strong, I know I'm in shape, and I know that I'm taking care of myself. Maybe not in the way these "pro-mom athletes" blog about or look like. But I'm not the worse for ware and I'm so sick of constantly letting this weight consume my every thought. It's exhausting! I'm exhausted! Honestly good for those women who can do it all by getting up at 4 am and getting a 2 hour workout in, still getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner made. All while handling a job and possibly school. Those women rock, but I can't keep comparing myself to them. I hate that I have set them on such a high pedestal that I ended up feeling like I'm not doing enough. Like I could do better. Let's face it, I can do better!

I workout because I love it and I workout because it helps keep my sanity. But I don't workout to lose weight. Having this weight loss bullshit consume me is taking away some of the fun for me. And when that happens I usually stop. I don't want to stop; thankfully I can't because I just signed a 6 month contract. But I need to change something to keep this fun. Because at the moment I'm just mad; mad that I'm fat, mad that I think I'm fat, and mad that I'm not motivated enough to fix being fat.  

But do I really want to? Do I want the added stress of it all?

No, I really don't...

And realizing this has opened my eyes. Realizing that I don't want it bad enough is the reason I can't stay motivated. Sure I don't like looking at pictures of myself and cry in the dressing room but that is only enough to motivate me for a few weeks. It's not enough. If I wanted to look good that bad I would make it happen. Like I've said before, I'm great and finding "reasons" for why I'm not getting results. I know that excuse after excuse won't get me there. Really the truth is I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of starting over and I'm tired of always thinking about it. Some might think these are excuses but to me it's reality. The reality is I would rather sleep in an extra hour after going to bed at 2 am finishing an assignment. The reality is I would rather snack on some chips and salsa then a "yummy" protein shake. The reality is I really wish I didn't care.

I'm going to keep working out and keep moving forward but I'm going to stop thinking about it as much. I have some pretty big tests coming up for my degree and I can't be distracted by something so insignificant. So what I'm over weight 30lbs, it's not 130lbs...I'm not going to let that consume me anymore. I know I'll have plenty of time in my life to lose the weight and right now that can't be my number 1 priority.  I'm hoping by releasing this priority the fun will return and I will go back to enjoying the more important things in my life. But now what am I going to talk about?