Why Can't I Say No!

Today I woke up feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over me. I wish I could blame the weather but even the nice sunny day isn't able to break through to this rut I'm in. I just feel depressed. And this is not an unusual thing for me but most of the time I know how to fix it...a good workout. I didn't want to go I wanted to stay in my pjs all day like my Monday but I had to push myself out the door leaving behind my excuses. The workout was great, tough but challenging. And I started feeling better but it didn't last long. These kind of moods always have me thinking so negative. I haven't been able to come up with one good thing about myself to focus on today. But on the bright side I haven't really been insulting myself either, I just feel blah. My negative thoughts keep bringing me to last night. Last night I had a task for school I really wanted to finish so I had a couple Dr. Peppers and went and got sunflower seeds to prep for the long hours ahead of me. The problem was I didn't even need those things to get the work done but I couldn't say no to myself. And unfortunately that lead to even more bad choices. I ended up finding the left over cake from my husband's birthday and enjoyed a slice or two of it. Seriously why the hell can't I just say no! I know it's not good for me and I know I'm going to regret it but I still eat it...I still enjoy it...and I still get angry about it every damn time!

I mean honestly I wish there was someone else to blame besides me. Can I blame the food? Can I blame genetics? Can I blame depression? Can I blame stress?  No because each and every choice I make comes down to me and me alone. It would be less depressing if I did have something to blame, something to pin point all my mistakes on in this journey. But that's just not the way things work in life. And it doesn't help that I sit there and compare myself to others and think about all the possibilities on why they are succeeding and I'm not. Do I just not care enough? I'm sure that's it, I'm sure it's because food brings me a comfort when I'm sad and any excuse to enjoy good food makes me give in pretty quick. I realized last night, growing up my mom was always trying the new diets or workouts to help her lose weight. I noticed how hard she worked and how much she would sacrifice for the meal of that diet. But it was always something I didn't want to have happen to me. I didn't want to struggle with my weight, I wanted to steer clear of that. But last night I realized I'm following in her footsteps. While I might not be trying grapefruit for breakfast or only eating meat, I'm still working out as hard and focusing on that aspect of myself. The one thing I didn't want to happen has happened. And now I'm at a loss on what to do. I don't want my children to see this struggle of weight-loss, I want them to see the strength, passion and hard work I'm putting in at the gym.

This is the part of the journey I dread, the sad time. It's been just over 2 weeks and I'm already failing. And failing is never a fun experience. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me want to throw a grown up tantrum because it's not fair! It's not fair that someone is skinny or in shape and they don't have to work as hard as I do but they get to eat whatever they want. Do you think if I fall to the floor crying and kicking, my kids will get me a glass of wine to shut me up? Might be worth a try. I know the tantrum would solve nothing because again that's life and one of the beautiful things about it. We are all made differently and have different strengths or weaknesses. I know it's pointless to compare, to throw a grown up temper tantrum, or to put the blame on anyone else. I just wish I knew how to get myself into a good routine where these ruts don't interfere with my progress. I wish I knew how to tell myself no and be ok with it. Despite the rut I am not quitting! I will push on and keep going to the gym and trying to make better food choices. Let's hope this weekend goes well.