I have heard the hype of crossfit for a long time now. I was extremely hesitant at first because I'm sure like a lot of people I heard many horror stories on people who got injured after starting crossfit. What finally motivated me to try it out was seeing the incredible transformation of a friend, I thought, "Damn, why am I not doing this?" So I found a groupon and went to try it out. My first thought was this is great! The coaches are extremely knowledgeable and the other people in the class were super friendly. I had finally found people with similar likes! And so I was hooked. I had my first taste of the intense workouts that push a person to their max. I loved it, and I wanted more.
At first it was so frustrating. I was usually one of the last people to finish the WOD (workout of the day) and I couldn't lift as much as everyone. But I was determined to stick it out for at least 6 months to a year. Month by month I could see improvement and I was far from last at this point. It was exciting and I loved seeing the changes in my mind and my body. All I could talk about was crossfit or what I so proudly accomplished in the WOD that day. I did reach a lot of personal goals like learning how to climb the rope or even do a kipping pull up. Which took the high and kept me coming back.
After about 7 months I took a 2 month break. All my hard work had disappeared. I was drinking a lot of wine and beer. I wasn't as active and truth be told I found a lot of good excuses for not getting to a gym. (I'm pretty good at finding excuses for anything in life...especially if I'm really not motivated.)
The whole time I was on vacation, I felt guilty, guilty I wasn't doing crossfit. I was practicing yoga every morning and I would run at nights usually 1-2 nights a week. So why did I feel so guilty? Why did I feel like what I was doing wasn't good enough? I was having the time of my life, spending the days at the pool or the beach with my two children. I had no real obligations but to spend time with my kids. Which I loved! Yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I'm cringing and stressing that I didn't find a good crossfit gym; that I didn't workout as hard that day. I did find one place with all the right equipment and was open 24 hrs. But it just took too much for me to go at 10 pm. So I stopped that after 2 weeks. Wasted $35 but hey at least I tried right...see excuses. I even used yoga to help me with my mood swings. As terrible as that is I was being a grumpy mom and wife all because I was so selfishly anxious and stressed that everything I worked for was slipping away. Yoga helped center me and really helped me feel good about just relaxing and enjoying that time with my family. Meditation works wonders! I finally settled in to the routine and stopped thinking about what my body looks like or that I should be going to the gym. I was able to think more about all the wonderful memories I was making with my family. And I really liked that stress free feeling. I liked not having to worry about my weight. Too bad that feeling didn't stick.
Once we got back from our trip all those personal stresses came back. I am back up to 180lbs and a size 15, when we left I was 167 and was fitting nicely into my size 12/13 pants. So here I am thinking, "I'm back and ready for my crossfit fix." "Ready to kick this extra weights ass!" Only problem was now when I worked out I didn't enjoy it. It just made me mad. It made me mad because I had to start over AGAIN! I'm back at finishing close to last, not being able to catch my breath and back to looking like I did when I first started 11 months ago. And for some reason maybe the 2 month break opened my eyes but the place I am going to seems to have gotten more competitive...or maybe I have because I'm so pissed that I'm back to square one. And since I'm a pretty competitive person I feel defeated after each workout. Which is pretty depressing for me. I feel like the 2 month vacation weaned me from the addiction I had with crossfit. I no longer want to lift heavier or do 100 pull ups. I want to feel good! And I want to have fun! Again I could just be making excuses but I'm tired of trying so hard and not feeling satisfied with my results after each workout. To some that may be motivation to keep pushing harder to get better. Or may seem like I'm giving up too easy. But for me it pushes me back into the black hole of depression and makes me want to give up all together. I am trying hard to hold on to my relaxed and happy self like I was the last 3 weeks of the vacation. Those last 3 weeks were so calm for me and I really felt like I was enjoying the moment. I don't want to lose that feeling.
Last week I decided to try a boxing/kick boxing gym that opened up just down the street from me. I tried one class and fell in love. I mean who doesn't like taking all the built up frustrations out on a punching bag? I actually didn't even realize I was holding so much anger and frustration in until about halfway through when I could feel it being released. I was sweating and smiling at the same time. I was having fun! And even though it was my first class I didn't feel like that at all. I felt like I had been going to this place for months. This is the type of place I can see myself enjoying for a long time. Plus it's so close to my house and son's school, the convenience factor is a big deal. I'll be able to get a great workout in and accomplish more at home. I'm nervous about leaving crossfit and wonder if I'll be able to fully let go. I really don't want to lose my gym buddies but I need to do what I can do hold onto that happy and calm person. I want to leave smiling not trying to hold back the tears of frustration. So let this next journey begin! I have to finish out this month at crossfit but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to sign up and do both for a bit. I'm looking forward to the change!
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