This is the biggest problem with doing a health challenge and trying to lose weight. I go through these ups and downs. I'm extremely motivated one week the next I'm still kind of motivated and then by the weekend I'm just done. For instance today and yesterday I ate terrible. We had 4 big pine trees that fell down from a storm. So the last 2 days I've been out working in the yard and really staying active for a couple hours at a time. And even though I'm doing well with my workouts...I told you that's the easy part...it's the eating that always gets me frustrated.
Let me give you a small insight to how crazy my mind works. On days where I eat what I want I fell happy and enjoy them because I am not focusing my whole day's agenda on eating. I'm able to focus on other more important things, like my family and friends. When I do focus on eating well throughout the day I don't tend to feel as happy by the end of it. But then there are nights like tonight where I'm just pissed because I did eat whatever I wanted and I am now ashamed to look in the mirror. What the hell! Why is it that it has to be one or the other? I can't even give myself a glass of wine tonight because I know that would be going overboard on this challenge. Even though my children are having a sleepover at my parents and it's the perfect night for a glass of wine. But no of course I'm not going to get it. I still have 8 weeks left of this diet and I ate like crap for 2 days. These are the days I'm frustrated because it's days like today where I wish I could be satisfied being overweight and out of breath all the time. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty or think twice about the food I ate today. But because I don't enjoy how I look or feel when I'm overweight I have to spend my days worrying about stupid shit like what kind of food I'm eating. Why can't I just be happy in the moment and still work towards my goal? Is that even possible? I feel like that is a contradiction. If I was happy in the moment and didn't always complain about how I look then I would have no motivation to stay healthy.
It's only been 11 days and I'm already mad at myself. I guess the only thing to do now is be thankful for all the good that did happen today and tomorrow regroup and get my focus and motivation back. Because at this point I'm ready to say screw it and just try to maintain my lumps and bumps from getting bigger. I hate feeling this way and it pisses me off that as a woman I feel like I have to maintain this healthy body and be a smaller size. When I know in reality I'm the only one who gives a shit what size I am...well maybe society does as well, but they're not important in my life. The people who are important in my life like; my husband, kids, family, and friends don't care. They all are so encouraging and uplifting I just wish I could jump on their bandwagon and go through life seeing myself through their eyes. I know if I could I would be more than satisfied with my looks and body type. But then what would I have to write about?
Oh well tomorrow is a new day and I'm ready to make this week the best one of the challenge so far!
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