Why Can't I Say No!

Today I woke up feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over me. I wish I could blame the weather but even the nice sunny day isn't able to break through to this rut I'm in. I just feel depressed. And this is not an unusual thing for me but most of the time I know how to fix it...a good workout. I didn't want to go I wanted to stay in my pjs all day like my Monday but I had to push myself out the door leaving behind my excuses. The workout was great, tough but challenging. And I started feeling better but it didn't last long. These kind of moods always have me thinking so negative. I haven't been able to come up with one good thing about myself to focus on today. But on the bright side I haven't really been insulting myself either, I just feel blah. My negative thoughts keep bringing me to last night. Last night I had a task for school I really wanted to finish so I had a couple Dr. Peppers and went and got sunflower seeds to prep for the long hours ahead of me. The problem was I didn't even need those things to get the work done but I couldn't say no to myself. And unfortunately that lead to even more bad choices. I ended up finding the left over cake from my husband's birthday and enjoyed a slice or two of it. Seriously why the hell can't I just say no! I know it's not good for me and I know I'm going to regret it but I still eat it...I still enjoy it...and I still get angry about it every damn time!

I mean honestly I wish there was someone else to blame besides me. Can I blame the food? Can I blame genetics? Can I blame depression? Can I blame stress?  No because each and every choice I make comes down to me and me alone. It would be less depressing if I did have something to blame, something to pin point all my mistakes on in this journey. But that's just not the way things work in life. And it doesn't help that I sit there and compare myself to others and think about all the possibilities on why they are succeeding and I'm not. Do I just not care enough? I'm sure that's it, I'm sure it's because food brings me a comfort when I'm sad and any excuse to enjoy good food makes me give in pretty quick. I realized last night, growing up my mom was always trying the new diets or workouts to help her lose weight. I noticed how hard she worked and how much she would sacrifice for the meal of that diet. But it was always something I didn't want to have happen to me. I didn't want to struggle with my weight, I wanted to steer clear of that. But last night I realized I'm following in her footsteps. While I might not be trying grapefruit for breakfast or only eating meat, I'm still working out as hard and focusing on that aspect of myself. The one thing I didn't want to happen has happened. And now I'm at a loss on what to do. I don't want my children to see this struggle of weight-loss, I want them to see the strength, passion and hard work I'm putting in at the gym.

This is the part of the journey I dread, the sad time. It's been just over 2 weeks and I'm already failing. And failing is never a fun experience. I hate the way it makes me feel. It makes me want to throw a grown up tantrum because it's not fair! It's not fair that someone is skinny or in shape and they don't have to work as hard as I do but they get to eat whatever they want. Do you think if I fall to the floor crying and kicking, my kids will get me a glass of wine to shut me up? Might be worth a try. I know the tantrum would solve nothing because again that's life and one of the beautiful things about it. We are all made differently and have different strengths or weaknesses. I know it's pointless to compare, to throw a grown up temper tantrum, or to put the blame on anyone else. I just wish I knew how to get myself into a good routine where these ruts don't interfere with my progress. I wish I knew how to tell myself no and be ok with it. Despite the rut I am not quitting! I will push on and keep going to the gym and trying to make better food choices. Let's hope this weekend goes well.

On the Bright Side

After this weekend of feeling like a complete failure in my personal goals. I realized there really is a bright side to everything. While I may not feel like I am anywhere close to my physical goals I have so much going on in my life that is good. I think that we as women tend to get tunnel vision and lose focus on our lives. We can be so focused on the one aspect of improving ourselves and our body that we sometimes forget to sit back and appreciate the good things.

For me these moments tend to be small things that make my heart feel full. For example I am supposed to be doing homework right now but I had to stop to write because I overheard my husband helping my son with his homework. It is the cutest thing to hear my 5 year old yelling out his letters they are learning that week in school. I can just imagine him sitting next to his dad and reading the little story. I'm not jealous that they get that time. I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I have such a kind man in my life that wants to be a part of helping with the kids school work. He wants to spend time with each of our children to make sure that they always know he cares. Yesterday I lost sight of those moments and threw myself an all day pity party. I literally stayed in my pjs all day, hung out with my kids a little bit, and ended up having a few drinks with my husband as we watched the pitiful presidential debate. I was feeling so sorry for myself because I stepped on the stupid scale knowing all to well that it would validate just how bad I did this weekend. It crushed my spirit to see I was back to 179lbs. And that's just it, I let my own personal issues consume me and my whole day. I missed out on those sweet moments because I was wallowing in my own sadness and frustration. I was in my bed most of the day reading. My kids spent hours on the IPad and we rushed to finish school stuff. I wasn't even really present when my son read the new book he got for the week. Just thinking about it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel bad that I shut myself off to my family because I was depressed about weight and stupid body images. They really are stupid. I hate that body image is even an issue. And it's a big issue. Everywhere I look there are ads for getting in shape or products that are supposed to help you lose weight. On days like yesterday those kind of ads fed my sadness and frustration. I hate it!

However, on the bright side,  I got up this morning and forced myself to go to the gym. I forced myself to stop the pity party and to try and look at the bright side. I have a wonderful family that loves me so much. My daughter loves spending all her time with me and my son always tells me how much he loves me. My husband is so supportive and understanding when I have worthless days like yesterday. I have friends who are always texting me encouraging me and checking on me. How can I continue to worry about myself when I have so much to appreciate. I need to figure a way to use the bright side of my life for motivation. Because it's all too easy to sit here and criticize myself  and my flaws. Sinking back in to my state of depression. I think instead of looking at myself and thinking about all the flaws I see, the goal this week will be to look in the mirror every day and compliment one part of my body. I've read somewhere that's supposed to help build confidence. So why not, let's try it. For the next 5 days, compliment one part of your body as you look at yourself in the mirror. And no criticism! This week will be about building myself up so there will hopefully be no more slump days like yesterday. (Fingers crossed)

Frustrated After 11 Days!

This is the biggest problem with doing a health challenge and trying to lose weight. I go through these ups and downs. I'm extremely motivated one week the next I'm still kind of motivated and then by the weekend I'm just done. For instance today and yesterday I ate terrible. We had 4 big pine trees that fell down from a storm. So the last 2 days I've been out working in the yard and really staying active for a couple hours at a time. And even though I'm doing well with my workouts...I told you that's the easy part...it's the eating that always gets me frustrated.

Let me give you a small insight to how crazy my mind works. On days where I eat what I want I fell happy and enjoy them because I am not focusing my whole day's agenda on eating. I'm able to focus on other more important things, like my family and friends. When I do focus on eating well throughout the day I don't tend to feel as happy by the end of it. But then there are nights like tonight where I'm just pissed because I did eat whatever I wanted and I am now ashamed to look in the mirror. What the hell! Why is it that it has to be one or the other? I can't even give myself a glass of wine tonight because I know that would be going overboard on this challenge. Even though my children are having a sleepover at my parents and it's the perfect night for a glass of wine. But no of course I'm not going to get it. I still have 8 weeks left of this diet and I ate like crap for 2 days. These are the days I'm frustrated because it's days like today where I wish I could be satisfied being overweight and out of breath all the time. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty or think twice about the food I ate today. But because I don't enjoy how I look or feel when I'm overweight I have to spend my days worrying about stupid shit like what kind of food I'm eating. Why can't I just be happy in the moment and still work towards my goal? Is that even possible? I feel like that is a contradiction. If I was happy in the moment and didn't always complain about how I look then I would have no motivation to stay healthy.

It's only been 11 days and I'm already mad at myself. I guess the only thing to do now is be thankful for all the good that did happen today and tomorrow regroup and get my focus and motivation back. Because at this point I'm ready to say screw it and just try to maintain my lumps and bumps from getting bigger. I hate feeling this way and it pisses me off that as a woman I feel like I have to maintain this healthy body and be a smaller size. When I know in reality I'm the only one who gives a shit what size I am...well maybe society does as well, but they're not important in my life. The people who are important in my life like; my husband, kids, family, and friends don't care. They all are so encouraging and uplifting I just wish I could jump on their bandwagon and go through life seeing myself through their eyes. I know if I could I would be more than satisfied with my looks and body type. But then what would I have to write about?

Oh well tomorrow is a new day and I'm ready to make this week the best one of the challenge so far!

The Ugly Truth of Weight Loss

I know everyone struggles at one time or another with their weight. I would even go as far to say that the majority struggle with losing weight. That's where I'm at right now. Last week I started a health challenge and I was weighed and measured. Based on the measurements I have 33% body fat and my starting weight is 180lbs. Talk about depressing. Working out is a hobby of mine and something I love doing but this challenge isn't about working out...for me that's the easy part. The challenge is about changing my eating habits. With this challenge I am counting my macro nutrients by grams, I'm counting my carb intake, protein intake, and fat intake. If you're not sure what that's about check out the website http://www.iifym.com/iifym-calculator/ . This will help you learn more and to see how many macros you need each day. It sounds confusing at first but it's supposed to be a flexible way of dieting. And thankfully the lady who did the calculations for me broke down how many grams of each I'm supposed to have by each meal. That really helped me more then by day.

It's been 1 week since I started all of this. And I must say I'm enjoying this type of tracking. I was able to eat gluten free cake yesterday guilt free because it fit into my macros that day. And it also helped that the slice was the size of my finger but I still enjoyed it guilt free. And I know I shouldn't weigh myself often but I need to see results if I'm going to make it another 9 weeks. You heard that right, that means 9 more weeks of no drinking. So I get on the scale and surprise surprise I'm down 3lbs already. And I hate to admit this but the ugly truth to weight loss is, it really is all in the food we eat. I heard my coach say today, "You can't out lift the fork." Which is so true. I have been on this yo-yo weightloss journey for 2 years now and I don't just walk around the block 6 times as a workout. I'm working my ass off each day I'm there at the gym, which is usually 4-5 days a week. And the only time I see results is when I am doing these nutrition challenges and I stop all my bad eating habits. I cut out drinking, eating late at night, snacking, no candy or chips. And what do you know it works. It sucks that it works because I really miss wine and chips and salsa.

I'm hoping that by learning this new way to track my food will help me in the long run and not just in the next 9 weeks. I have been searching for a diet plan that will leave room for the good stuff in moderation. So far it's been good. Definitely better then sticking to paleo or whole 30.

And like any good challenge I took before pictures because that's where I usually see the best results. I hate posting them but at this point I don't care. Maybe all my up and downs will help inspire someone some day.

What's Your Motivation?

Today I was running errands and I everywhere I drove there were people working out. And each person was a different size. It was interesting to see people in different phases of the workout cycle. It got me thinking, are the people that look like they are in great shape satisfied with the way they look? Or are they in the same mind frame I am...I have to get better, I have to look better. I also wondered what motivates them? That's the best thing about fitness though is that everyone has different goals and does it for different reasons. Some want to lose weight, others want to gain weight, some just want to build muscle, and others just want to build a little bit. Some don't even care about the weight but are working out to keep their body and mind healthy. Which for me gives me hope. And also reminds me that I can not compare myself to some of these people. Some are willing to work harder then I am or are more strict with their diet. For me, right now, I need to focus on my goals and my motivation for working out.

Starting the weight-loss journey is always a challenge but I have found that when I have lost the most weight I have had a specific reason on why I want to get better. So why do I work out? Why do I want to lose weight? Well each is different from the other, I work out because I love how it makes me feel. I love that I can keep my depression under wraps when I'm working out regularly. Even when I'm heavier like right now, working out still makes me feel strong and capable. And I love that feeling. That's the feeling that keeps me active.

Now the reason I want to lose weight can all be summed up in one picture. A picture that I know describes feelings of many women. A picture that I know many women have experienced. But for me it's enough to motivate me.

This picture is of me trying my hardest NOT to break down crying in the dressing room. We went shopping for new pants on Sunday because I literally had 2 decent pants that kind of fit me. The rest of my wardrobe is too small now. Which is depressing in itself but when I have to go and try on pants it's almost too overwhelming for me. It ruins my whole day. These size 13's were too small and I hated the way I felt trying them on. I hated the way I felt at this moment.

This feeling is why I want to lose weight. I don't want to go shopping and hold back tears of sadness and frustration. If I'm crying in a dressing room I want it to be because I can finally fit into a size that makes me feel comfortable again. A size that makes me feel confident. This feeling is strong enough to whip my mind into shape. I feel after Sunday I am mentally prepared for the LONG journey to get me back where I want to be.  I know it's not impossible but trying to reach that goal in just a few weeks or even months just isn't what will make it stick. I know if I expect fast results then I quit after the 2nd week. This time I'm in it for a long while.

On a side note...today has been day 2 of changing poor eating habits. I'm already having to fight the battles of choosing between getting a Dr. Pepper or not. Seriously I want one so bad! I can even imagine the taste in my mouth. It's only been 1 full day of no soda and I know my body is detoxing from it but I know have to fight the urge. I can't go back to that feeling. I will keep fighting this each day until it no longer becomes a struggle. Just like saying no to bread or chocolate after a week or two my body doesn't even crave it. It's important to push past this first month. And this time I know I can do it, I'm ready!

So what's your motivation? Are you ready?

The Crossfit High

I have heard the hype of crossfit for a long time now. I was extremely hesitant at first because I'm sure like a lot of people I heard many horror stories on people who got injured after starting crossfit. What finally motivated me to try it out was seeing the incredible transformation of a friend, I thought, "Damn, why am I not doing this?" So I found a groupon and went to try it out. My first thought was this is great! The coaches are extremely knowledgeable and the other people in the class were super friendly. I had finally found people with similar likes!  And so I was hooked. I had my first taste of the intense workouts that push a person to their max. I loved it, and I wanted more.

At first it was so frustrating. I was usually one of the last people to finish the WOD (workout of the day) and I couldn't lift as much as everyone. But I was determined to stick it out for at least 6 months to a year. Month by month I could see improvement and I was far from last at this point. It was exciting and I loved seeing the changes in my mind and my body. All I could talk about was crossfit or what I so proudly accomplished in the WOD that day. I did reach a lot of personal goals like learning how to climb the rope or even do a kipping pull up. Which took the high and kept me coming back.

After about 7 months I took a 2 month break. All my hard work had disappeared. I was drinking a lot of wine and beer. I wasn't as active and truth be told I found a lot of good excuses for not getting to a gym. (I'm pretty good at finding excuses for anything in life...especially if I'm really not motivated.)

The whole time I was on vacation, I felt guilty, guilty I wasn't doing crossfit. I was practicing yoga every morning and I would run at nights usually 1-2 nights a week. So why did I feel so guilty? Why did I feel like what I was doing wasn't good enough? I was having the time of my life, spending the days at the pool or the beach with my two children. I had no real obligations but to spend time with my kids. Which I loved! Yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I'm cringing and stressing that I didn't find a good crossfit gym; that I didn't workout as hard that day. I did find one place with all the right equipment and was open 24 hrs. But it just took too much for me to go at 10 pm. So I stopped that after 2 weeks. Wasted $35 but hey at least I tried right...see excuses. I even used yoga to help me with my mood swings. As terrible as that is I was being a grumpy mom and wife all because I was so selfishly anxious and stressed that everything I worked for was slipping away. Yoga helped center me and really helped me feel good about just relaxing and enjoying that time with my family. Meditation works wonders! I finally settled in to the routine and stopped thinking about what my body looks like or that I should be going to the gym. I was able to think more about all the wonderful memories I was making with my family. And I really liked that stress free feeling. I liked not having to worry about my weight. Too bad that feeling didn't stick.

Once we got back from our trip all those personal stresses came back. I am back up to 180lbs and a size 15, when we left I was 167 and was fitting nicely into my size 12/13 pants. So here I am thinking, "I'm back and ready for my crossfit fix." "Ready to kick this extra weights ass!" Only problem was now when I worked out I didn't enjoy it. It just made me mad. It made me mad because I had to start over AGAIN! I'm back at finishing close to last, not being able to catch my breath and back to looking like I did when I first started 11 months ago. And for some reason maybe the 2 month break opened my eyes but the place I am going to seems to have gotten more competitive...or maybe I have because I'm so pissed that I'm back to square one. And since I'm a pretty competitive person I feel defeated after each workout. Which is pretty depressing for me. I feel like the 2 month vacation weaned me from the addiction I had with crossfit. I no longer want to lift heavier or do 100 pull ups. I want to feel good! And I want to have fun! Again I could just be making excuses but I'm tired of trying so hard and not feeling satisfied with my results after each workout. To some that may be motivation to keep pushing harder to get better. Or may seem like I'm giving up too easy. But for me it pushes me back into the black hole of depression and makes me want to give up all together. I am trying hard to hold on to my relaxed and happy self like I was the last 3 weeks of the vacation. Those last 3 weeks were so calm for me and I really felt like I was enjoying the moment. I don't want to lose that feeling.

Last week I decided to try a boxing/kick boxing gym that opened up just down the street from me. I tried one class and fell in love. I mean who doesn't like taking all the built up frustrations out on a punching bag? I actually didn't even realize I was holding so much anger and frustration in until about halfway through when I could feel it being released. I was sweating and smiling at the same time. I was having fun! And even though it was my first class I didn't feel like that at all. I felt like I had been going to this place for months. This is the type of place I can see myself enjoying for a long time. Plus it's so close to my house and son's school, the convenience factor is a big deal. I'll be able to get a great workout in and accomplish more at home. I'm nervous about leaving crossfit and wonder if I'll be able to fully let go. I really don't want to lose my gym buddies but I need to do what I can do hold onto that happy and calm person. I want to leave smiling not trying to hold back the tears of frustration. So let this next journey begin! I have to finish out this month at crossfit but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to sign up and do both for a bit. I'm looking forward to the change!