Mommy guilt, the feelings every mother has experienced at one time or another. This guilt is something that pushes us to be better or it can even have the opposite effect and push us into a deeper depression. For all you mom's listen well this is a realization that some mom's have already figured out. It's something that I came to learn and understand almost 2 years ago. Once I had this clarification and accepted it I don't have this guilty feeling quite as often.
My first realization was when I thought my mommy guilt came all from me and my expectations of how good of a job I feel I'm doing as a mother. Little did I know that there are other culprits that feed my guilt. The major culprit that I find in my life is my husband. Now don't get me wrong he is a wonderful husband and father. He works very hard and sacrifices so much to provide us with a wonderful life; but on the occassion when he comes home and mentions the house smells or it's not clean. That's when I start second guessing myself. I'm sitting there thinking...well, I just vacuumed, swept the floor, took the trash out, etc. but then both kids decided to color on the walls, the dogs or the cat threw up sometimes both, or the kids decided to dump every single toy they have on the ground. Do I really need to go back and do it all over again...NO WAY! Instead of stressing myself out by the mess I am going to take the time and spend it with my children. I don't know if men truly understand that we really don't just sit on our asses all day or sleep all day. Once I realized that he was feeding my guilt I chose to change my attitude. It's not me that is doing a bad job. Of course I still make mistakes, this parenting stuff is no joke...well unless it involves getting pooped or peed on. I'm choosing each day to spend some time cleaning but the rest I am going to spend with my children...isn't that why I'm a stay at home mom anyways? Not to slave over the house but to be there for my children to make sure that they are well taken care of. Once I realized this I look at my dirty dishes and think, "hm, what have I done today to make sure my children feel special or loved" When I know the answer I dont even worry about the dirty dishes. I know the dishes are just fine waiting another hour or so before they get put up.
I know though that I'm doing my best and that my children really don't care if the dishes are dirty. They would rather me play peek a boo or help them with puzzles than spend my entire day cleaning. I just wish my husband could appreciate that a little more but I know he's not here most of the time so he doesn't get to see the big picture and for that I can't be too hard on him. All I can do is try to help him see that my spending time with the children is going to be more memorable than
anything.
Another not so surprising culprit is other moms...my goodness am I competitive and I like to compare myself to other women. I know that's bad for me to do since it usually makes me feel pretty lousy about myself but I can't seem to help it. I'm working right now on not comparing myself to others. It was something I practiced while being pregnant. Since not all pregnant women look the same, I knew I couldn't compare myself to a girl who was a size 0 before because that's just not me. Just like I can't compare myself to a working mom, I'm not a working mom and my responsibilities are different than hers. It's a tough challenge because there are some incredible women out there who seem like they truly can do it all. But I look at those moms, the ones who are actually dressed and ready for the day by 8am. Or those mom's who don't yell or the ones with the perfectly clean homes. After I realized most my mommy guilt was coming from comparing myself to other moms I realized I had to change my attitude about them as well. Now I look at them differently too. I think about all the stress and guilt they must put on themselves. I don't need to add more for them so I try my best to be nothing but encouraging and positive toward other moms. Because in all honesty who knows if she's at her wits end or just needs to know she's not failing as a mother. The judgemental looks from other mothers are the worst! And they truly shock me I wonder if they have the parent brain going on that helped them forget what it was like to have young children. I'd rather have a sympothy look or smile then one of cruel judgement.
So for all you moms out there, start rethinking about your expectations and think about why you're so hard on yourself. Your children are only young for a little while and while they are remember, they want nothing more but your attention, approval, comfort and love. Please realize that you're doing an amazing job and no one else should ever tell you other wise..of course there are always exceptions to that but that topic can be saved for another day. In the mean time go give your babies a big hug and kiss and remember to spend a little extra time with them. They grow up too fast.
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