The Lonely Civilian Effect

As I reflect on this special day for our family, I think about the years of service my husband gave to his country. I think about all the wonderful men and women we met along the way. These men and women were not all soldiers but they were all a part of the military.  Most women I met were the wives or girlfriends of the men my husband worked with. These women became my closest friends and confidants during the most challenging time in our lives. We all went through two-four deployments with our soldiers. Some were on their first. No matter what we were all there to help offer support to one another. The military life is one that can't be explained to civilians. It is a life full of waiting, laughter, tears, stress, joy, and many more emotions all at once. This life usually takes you far away from your friends and biological families. This allows for the strong sense of community that is felt being a part of the military. This community allowed us to build a family not tied together by blood but by life.

Being a part of the military family has helped me become who I am. I have a stronger perspective on what sacrifice truly is and just how strong people can be for one another. Of course the military has its many downfalls but today is not about that. Today is about the sacrifice our soldiers made to serve our country. Some we lost along the way and others never really quite came back the same. Today is also a day to remember the love, strength, and sacrifices that we as military spouses made and show on a daily basis. I like to think of the spouses as the backbone of the military. Without families to love and support our men and women there is no reason for them to fight for our freedom. We served as their reasons to help create a better life for our country, without the families there would be no need for passion or for sacrifice. There's nothing selfless about giving up your life for your life; it's when the life that is taken away all too soon is given up for their brothers they're fighting alongside, their mothers, fathers, spouses, children, brothers or sisters, this is where the true selfless act takes place.  These men and women deserve the utmost respect and gratitude for their work and sacrifice. I also think their families deserve the same. I feel that the struggles and side effects of military life on the families is something that isn't talked about enough; or given enough credit.

I can only speak from experience that being a part of such a large family has been one of the best experiences of my life. Today of all days I'm missing our military family and the friends. So much that I get what I call the lonely civilian effect. The civilian effect isn't one that I was warned about, people warn you that life is different and some people can't handle civilian life for one reason or another and end up joining back up shortly after they get out. Let me explain. 

There's a difference between being in the military and being out of the military. The loneliness one feels while being in the military is a feeling of missing family and friends back home. Missing my husband when he is out on a training for weeks on end and I'm left back home to continue the my daily life. Being out of the military the loneliness that is felt is a feeling of missing that community, that comradery. The fact that there is always someone who understands what I was going through. I miss having people to call or called me almost daily to see what we were doing or how I was doing. I miss our Friday/Saturday BBQ/game night. We had some pretty epic BBQ's and some memorable game nights that left our sides hurting from laughing so hard.  In the military our schedules revolve around our spouses. And since most of the people I hung out with worked with my husband we all had very similar schedules making it easy to hold gatherings and to find time to hang out. In the civilian world things are very different each individual family has their own schedule it's not based on the military time frame but on our own. Which is wonderful but at the same time it makes it very difficult to plan times to hang out with one another. I find that this is one reason why making friends outside of the military is such a challenge and this is where the civilian loneliness comes in.  I still stay in contact with many of the friends I made being in the military but texting and facebook just aren't the same as our BBQ's or game nights.

As my closest friend, Weronika and I text back and forth day in and out it’s just not the same as having someone to talk with in person. I understand that being a stay at home mom or a working mom requires some sacrifices, most people don't understand that one is having close friends. I have lived in Utah for over 5 years now I have met wonderful people but no one I know who just walks in the door and make themselves at home. No one who texts or calls me with problems or good news. At times it's extremely lonely. When we transferred bases within the first 6 months we had made new friends that I hung out with all the time. I thought I was just being emotional and unable to detach myself from that life but now Weronika is in similar position and has experienced some of that loneliness. Which makes being apart so much harder. Being a part of a military family this kind of loneliness doesn't last long because there's always someone else going through something similar or someone new moving in. It's easy to find things in common with almost anyone. In the civilian world, it's much harder and lonely.

Another big difference is that where I live most people have their families close by and most would rather hang out with their family than find new friends. It's weird to me to see because when you live away from your family there's something special about finding and building a new family. A family away from your real family. Spending holidays together, going shopping together, and even arguing like a real family. Being in an area where everyone is surrounded by their real family means they aren't forced to go out of their circle of comfort to find new friends. Which is what I feel has made finding good friends hard to do.

Since I'm not a part of a church community or my children aren't old enough to be in school or sports programs I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. Now don't get me wrong I have tried to find friends, I have sought out friendships but honestly I haven't been able to find anything close to the military life. I'm sure many women will understand what I mean. And those who don't are probably thinking why I don’t join mommy and me groups, set up play dates, etc. Well I've tried all that I've even tried joining Bunco groups but with no success. I'm not trying to throw a pity party here; I've had 5 years to deal with it and have learned to accept it. All I'm trying to say is that this is a side effect that lingers and is one that should be talked about with the families. Civilian life is very different. I think what really surprises me the most is how long this side effect has lasted. There are moments that hit me out of nowhere and I miss it so much I actually cry. 

Thankfully though I still have a very close friend I talk with all the time and I have a wonderful spouse that does nothing but support me. My children have helped with the distraction and I love having them around. I often wonder how life would be if we were still in the military now that we have children. The challenges and struggles would be different but that community of support would still be there. What I worry about are the women who don't have that support. How they are handling it and what resources are available for them.  I wish the government would take the families struggles into considerations as well. After all we are the backbone of the military.

I'm grateful for our time there and the people we did meet. The memories of our time have brought me joy in these sad moments and possibly what have brought them on. But I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm proud that I can call myself a military spouse and that my husband served his country proudly.

 

These Days

 When I look at my little girl I have a sense I've known her my whole life. A sense she was always the one I felt was waiting for me.  And when I look my son I see the love and joy I was always searching for.  My children are so different and it's amazing to me to see the different purposes they have in my life.  The different lessons each of them have taught me. I know this now,  this was the something special God had intended all along. All my struggles to find myself,  find happiness, and peace they've all lead up to me becoming a wife and a mother. 

I think back to one instance where my world was very dark.  My life seemed pointless.  I was in a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship, I was manipulated to the point I had pushed away my friends and family.  I was very lonely and the only person I could turn to was God. Even in my darkest moments there was always a small light that I held onto; the thought that one day i would be strong enough to over come this and find my happiness.  I knew life wasn't meant to be sad or hurting all the time. I realize now the light of hope that God was giving me was not just from him but it was also my children holding the light guiding me in the right direction. I'm so grateful they never gave up on me and stayed steady and patient waiting for me to find my way out of the darkness. 

Back to my life today.  My moments of darkness are still present in my life.  They no longer come in thoughts of uselessness or worthless. They now come in the moments of pure frustration and anger.  The darkness seems to wrap itself around me as I am yelling and freaking out at my children.  when I'm in that moment my emotions are uncontrollable and I can't help but yell and sometimes cry in pure frustration.  Then I look at my children and I see the sadness or even fear at times and I realize if I don't stop my darkness is going to wrap itself around my children as well.  It's my turn to be their light. To help give them the love, joy, and kindness they deserve. 

However on those long and exhausting days is easy to forget the light and love my children can bring into my life.  I know by the end of the night there are days where I yearn for just a few more precious moments.  And other days bed time can't come fast enough. I know on these bad days I really struggle with the guilt I feel once everyone is asleep and I  lay there recapping the events of the day. Praying that in my children's mind there was more good moments than bad.  Days like today are difficult for me to remember the small things that really matter in life.  It's days like this when I just need one moment of quiet or to ask one thing without getting yelled at or having to count to 3. These are the days when I need to remember it's my turn to be their light and love. It's on these days they need it the most. 

Travel Tips Thursday: Paris, France

So I've decided instead of thirsty Thursday, I'm going to start sharing all my travel tips and tricks each Thursday. Some of the trips might be local and most are around the United States. Except today's! Today's post will be about our trip to Paris! Are you sick of me talking about it yet, because I'm not.

Preparation:
Buy Rick Steve's travel book about Paris. Seriously it was a huge life saver! We got the kindle version which was nice but I think I would have preferred the actual book to switch back and forth between the pages.
Buy a map, a GOOD map, perferrably one that folds and is laminated...and one that has the metro routes on it. This will be a lifesaver too.
Research the area you want to stay in. We stayed at Hotel Normandy and loved it! We were a block away from the Louvre and there was a grocery store practically across the street. The travel agents were around the corner and we had about 4 different metro stations all within a short walk. The room was well maintained and most importantly the room cam with it's own SHOWER and TOILET! There are alot of places that have communal bathrooms and I just couldn't do that.
Look at the weather, it's always changing so make sure you bring the proper clothes.
Learn their culture, seriously do some research and remember Paris is not America, their standards and way of life are different. Try to learn about it and be respectful when you are there. We found that people were most helpful when we understood the processes.
Make sure you have your camera! I literally have over 800 pictures from our trip and I love every one of them.

Travel Must Do's in Paris:

Inside Notre Dame

1- Tourist Sites: Must purchase a Museum Pass, it's a must if you are planning on staying longer than 3 days. Seriously that pass was so easy to get. It's about 70 Euros a person and it's good for a week from the first day you visit one of the museums. It's also a must because most places have express lanes specific for the museum pass holders. It gets you into all the popular ones except the Eiffel Tower and a few others, be sure to double check that it's valid for the place you want to visit before standing in line for 30 minutes to and hour just to find out you have to go all the way back to purchase tickets.

These passes can be bought at any of the museums that participate or at the Travel Agents that are all over the city. It was nice because they spoke English and accepted American credit cards. We went to one right by our hotel and it literally took less than 5 minutes to get our pass.

My top 5 favorite places we visited were:
1) Notre Dame Cathedral: Waiting in line for 45 mins just to go to the top was so worth it! It's a beautiful view and its not too crowded because they only let a certain number of people up at one time. It is timed but they give you plenty of time to enjoy the scenery. Not very many restrooms in the cathedral, make sure you go to the bathroom ahead of time or have .50 cents on you to pay the cafes across the street so you can use their bathrooms.

Eiffel Tower at Sunrise

2) Basilica of Sacre-Coeur, Montmarte, Paris: This whole neighborhood was so pretty and lively. We purposely went around sunset to sit on the stairs and watch the city turn pink and orange. It was so beautiful and there was so many other people there it gave it a great feel almost like a carnival. And again the views were breath taking. It was almost overwhelming to see just how big the city is and how many homes there are in such a tight area. It really gave me a sense of appreciation for the big mountains and open skies I get to see each day.
3.) The Louvre: This one is definitely on the top five. We spent 6 hours and barely scratched the surface. I can understand how some people get overwhelmed in such a large place. But we loved it. I think what made it better for us is that we both chose a type of art work we wanted to see and we stuck to those areas of the museum. And by getting a little lost we got to see more than we had hoped. In the Louvre the translation headsets are 5Euros and totally worth it. They are interactive and they even help you if you get lost. It was nice hearing the descriptions for a lot of the paintings and statues. TIP: If the line is too long near the pyramid entrance there is a side door that not many people know about. I believe it's on the side closest to the river by the bridge. I would need a map to show you but the side entrance is good for pass holders and it's s little known secret we were not only told about ahead of time but also discovered for ourselves.  I also loved the gardens and parks around the Louvre. It's easy to spend an entire day in that neighborhood. Bring a picnic or get food from the cafes there or even if you walk a block or two away from it you'll find many other cafes that aren't quite as expensive and most still can speak English.

At the Louvre See the cool headsets 

4.)The Eiffel Tower at Sunrise/Sunset: Make sure you find out ahead of time when the sun is setting and rising the time you are there. Sunrise is a time when not many people are there and you feel like you have the place to yourself. Sunset is extremely crowded but the view from the top is gorgeous! The lines trying to get back down are not so gorgeous. TIP: Expect a long line at that time and I suggest buying tickets ahead of time. We went here: http://www.toureiffel.paris/ and purchased our tickets before we even left. What's great about it is you can print them off at home and avoid the long ticket lines. Plus at sunset if you wait for the hour after it sets the tower sparkles! It's so romantic and makes you feel like a giddy teenager again.
5.) Versailles: Talk about a gorgeous place to be! My goodness I loved this place. There was so many details to the gardens and the home. Going inside the home is a little crowded and by this point in our trip we were getting annoyed with all the people so we didn't stay long. Wish we would have done this as one of our first days so we could have enjoyed it a little bit more. But we did spend a good amount of time walking the gardens and along the lake. It was so peaceful because hardly anyone was out walking around they all stayed close to the main building. Definitely recommend wearing good shoes on this trip, ones that you can walk on gravel and dirt pathways. Heels or sandals are not the best. TIP: When purchasing tickets the normal metro tickets won't work you need to buy one specifically for Versailles, on the RER train. They will cost about 13 Euros round trip for one person (If I'm remembering correctly, I might be high balling it just in case I'm wrong.) You can buy these tickets at any metro station that sells metro tickets. On the map it will show you were those are with a big T. Also if you buy them from the metro they are still good to use once you transfer from the RER train to the city metro.

View from the Eiffel Tower at Sunset

There are so many other wonderful places that we really enjoyed. I know Jesse loved the Pompidou and I loved the night cruise. We didn't do the dinner cruises, they were SO expensive and the tour on the big bus was just as much fun. We got seats on the top of the boat so I could take pictures without the glare of the glass. But if it were snowing or raining I think the bottom would be just fine because you'd eventually get to see both sides.

One other recommendation would be to start the day early as possible. And try to be the first people at the major tourist sites. I think that really helped us avoid the crowds and minimize our wait time, if any. Also try to travel during the weekdays and be aware of the museums hours and days they are closed. They aren't the normal Saturday or Sunday like they are here in the states.


2- Money: Bring at least $100 in cash to the airport with you and exchange it out for small euro bills at the first place you can find. The reason being is that if you plan on taking the metro to your hotel or the bus. The metro kiosks don't take american credit cards and the coin machines don't take bills larger than 20 Euros. It's an outrageous exchange rate but you'll be happy you did it when you can breeze by everyone and get your tickets right away. But there's really no need to bring more than that. Make sure to ask your bank ahead of time what the exchange fee is on purchases or withdrawals overseas. I think with USAA it was 3%. Also on the topic of money you can easily withdrawal money from any ATM, just make sure it's a ligament bank before you insert your card and always have a back up card in case the first one gets eaten by the machine.

Most large tourist sites take american credit cards so you don't need much cash just enough to buy dinners and other small things for the smaller places where the credit cards won't work.

TRICK: Most restrooms are free if you are a paying customer but if you're looking for a nice clean place to go to the bathroom be sure to have .25 or .50 Euros on hand almost any cafe will let you use their toilette's if you can pay to use them.

Exploring the first day we got there,
my first view of the Eiffel Tower.

3- Transportation: The metro, rent-a-bike, the hop on and hop off busses, the bus, or by foot are all
great ways to get around. The metro was my favorite way to get around. The signs are so well marked and easy to read. The only scary part is trying to buy the tickets, We purchased the ticket packet that had 10 tickets each, we ended up using 3 of those for our trip. What was nice about it was that we could share and we didn't have to pay to try and figure out the card or get our picture taken. We might have spent more in the long run but to us it was the easiest and less stressful way of getting around. We attempted the city bikes that are everywhere but the thing with those is that you have to have a credit card with a chip and a pin number. One without the other will do you no good. Trust me I tried! I wanted to do the hop on and hop off busses because they really were every where and it would have been fun to see the city as we were traveling from place to place. But it just never worked for us to use it. I've had many people though tell me that when they were on a short visit that the bus was the best way to see multiple attractions in one day and still really be able to take in the beauty of the city.

On a night walk

By foot was possibly the slowest and most painful way...after a while I started walking like I was pregnant. Here's is my TIP/TRICK: You can still look and dress fashionable in Paris without having to resort to tennis shoes (even though there was a day I would have worn Mickey Mouse slippers if they were available). My tip is to bring not one, not two pairs of comfortable shoes but three! Now this is only if you're going for a long period of time. If it's a short trip two pairs will do just fine. But I learned the hard way and kept wearing the same shoes day after day. It wasn't until the 5 day that I realized I needed to change it up. As soon as I did my feet felt 100x better. After two days of those shoes I wanted out of them as well, so I tried putting on my first pair and I think my feet actually cried. I brought, my "riding" boots, sandals, and I wish I would have brought a nice pair of converse. But I've got to say our walks were some of my favorite times. When I wasn't in pain we got to see some of the prettiest neighborhoods that weren't over run by tourist. We really got to experience the life of a Parisian and really got to experience the city.

4- What I would do Different: If we ever get a chance to go back, I would learn to speak more French than just Bonjour and Merci. I would bring more shoes and less clothes. I would have been happier and tried better not to fight with my husband and much (see previous posts). I would have tried more foods. But other than that, it's hard to top our amazing 8 day trip. If you're interested in our day by day itinerary please comment below and I'll get one typed up for you.

On top of the Arc de Triumph

PS: This is one of the best places I've eaten in life! It was a little pricey and our only meal we spent over 100 Euros on but we did have at least 3 drinks each and a dessert but the food was incredible! And it was off the beaten path so not very loud and even had live music.

I'll have to do French cuisine another post!

Next Week I'll post about Washington DC...Was in the spirit with all the midterm voting...did you vote?