Recently I got off of facebook because I was checking it too often and honestly I was sick of all the bitching. So now I'm only on instagram...however, the only problem is with instagram all I see are fitness accounts. Women who have lost 100 pounds or are trying to lose 50 pounds or even those who are trying to lose 5 pounds. It's everywhere!!! I can't hide anywhere from the constant reminder that I'm not "perfect". Which leaves me with mixed emotions. It makes me angry and depressed because I feel like I am slacking. It slightly motivates me to do better. But really it just makes me annoyed. I'm annoyed because I just don't understand why all these women who are bragging about positive self-esteem and positive body image are only posing and posting shit right along with all the other fitness junkies or wanna be instafamous accounts. I know in their mind they're hoping to be a motivation and to be someone's inspiration. Well to me I see it as adding on to the issue of body image. The reason being is that because we are making such a big fucking deal about it, that it is consuming everything.
I hate it and yes I know I'm being a hypocrite. I got off facebook because of the bitching and here I am complaining. I just don't understand how we reached this point where how we look means more then how we act.
I wish I didn't care but I know how much easier it is to be in new places or out on a date looking and feeling great. It makes a world of difference when you feel pretty and when you feel confident. And I hate that when I try to focus on that and then I get on instagram and get sucked right back into the, "I have to lose weight mentality". It sucks. But don't get me wrong. I think those women who have lost all the weight and are working their asses off to reach their goals are amazing. But I just don't like the constant reminders that I'm on a tetter-totter with my health goals. What's that saying, if you don't want to watch something change the channel or turn off the tv. Well I'm going to do just that, delete all the fitness accounts I follow and stay focused on my goals and my life.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Do I Really Want This?
I know it's been a while since I've posted but I've been struggling a lot and didn't have anything good to say. There weren't any positive things about my weight loss journey I could share. Which was pretty frustrating.
I've been struggling with a few things, mainly motivation and mainly with just giving a fuck. I'm so frustrated because I know I'm strong, I know I'm in shape, and I know that I'm taking care of myself. Maybe not in the way these "pro-mom athletes" blog about or look like. But I'm not the worse for ware and I'm so sick of constantly letting this weight consume my every thought. It's exhausting! I'm exhausted! Honestly good for those women who can do it all by getting up at 4 am and getting a 2 hour workout in, still getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner made. All while handling a job and possibly school. Those women rock, but I can't keep comparing myself to them. I hate that I have set them on such a high pedestal that I ended up feeling like I'm not doing enough. Like I could do better. Let's face it, I can do better!
I workout because I love it and I workout because it helps keep my sanity. But I don't workout to lose weight. Having this weight loss bullshit consume me is taking away some of the fun for me. And when that happens I usually stop. I don't want to stop; thankfully I can't because I just signed a 6 month contract. But I need to change something to keep this fun. Because at the moment I'm just mad; mad that I'm fat, mad that I think I'm fat, and mad that I'm not motivated enough to fix being fat.
But do I really want to? Do I want the added stress of it all?
No, I really don't...
And realizing this has opened my eyes. Realizing that I don't want it bad enough is the reason I can't stay motivated. Sure I don't like looking at pictures of myself and cry in the dressing room but that is only enough to motivate me for a few weeks. It's not enough. If I wanted to look good that bad I would make it happen. Like I've said before, I'm great and finding "reasons" for why I'm not getting results. I know that excuse after excuse won't get me there. Really the truth is I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of starting over and I'm tired of always thinking about it. Some might think these are excuses but to me it's reality. The reality is I would rather sleep in an extra hour after going to bed at 2 am finishing an assignment. The reality is I would rather snack on some chips and salsa then a "yummy" protein shake. The reality is I really wish I didn't care.
I'm going to keep working out and keep moving forward but I'm going to stop thinking about it as much. I have some pretty big tests coming up for my degree and I can't be distracted by something so insignificant. So what I'm over weight 30lbs, it's not 130lbs...I'm not going to let that consume me anymore. I know I'll have plenty of time in my life to lose the weight and right now that can't be my number 1 priority. I'm hoping by releasing this priority the fun will return and I will go back to enjoying the more important things in my life. But now what am I going to talk about?
I've been struggling with a few things, mainly motivation and mainly with just giving a fuck. I'm so frustrated because I know I'm strong, I know I'm in shape, and I know that I'm taking care of myself. Maybe not in the way these "pro-mom athletes" blog about or look like. But I'm not the worse for ware and I'm so sick of constantly letting this weight consume my every thought. It's exhausting! I'm exhausted! Honestly good for those women who can do it all by getting up at 4 am and getting a 2 hour workout in, still getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner made. All while handling a job and possibly school. Those women rock, but I can't keep comparing myself to them. I hate that I have set them on such a high pedestal that I ended up feeling like I'm not doing enough. Like I could do better. Let's face it, I can do better!
I workout because I love it and I workout because it helps keep my sanity. But I don't workout to lose weight. Having this weight loss bullshit consume me is taking away some of the fun for me. And when that happens I usually stop. I don't want to stop; thankfully I can't because I just signed a 6 month contract. But I need to change something to keep this fun. Because at the moment I'm just mad; mad that I'm fat, mad that I think I'm fat, and mad that I'm not motivated enough to fix being fat.
But do I really want to? Do I want the added stress of it all?
No, I really don't...
And realizing this has opened my eyes. Realizing that I don't want it bad enough is the reason I can't stay motivated. Sure I don't like looking at pictures of myself and cry in the dressing room but that is only enough to motivate me for a few weeks. It's not enough. If I wanted to look good that bad I would make it happen. Like I've said before, I'm great and finding "reasons" for why I'm not getting results. I know that excuse after excuse won't get me there. Really the truth is I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of starting over and I'm tired of always thinking about it. Some might think these are excuses but to me it's reality. The reality is I would rather sleep in an extra hour after going to bed at 2 am finishing an assignment. The reality is I would rather snack on some chips and salsa then a "yummy" protein shake. The reality is I really wish I didn't care.
I'm going to keep working out and keep moving forward but I'm going to stop thinking about it as much. I have some pretty big tests coming up for my degree and I can't be distracted by something so insignificant. So what I'm over weight 30lbs, it's not 130lbs...I'm not going to let that consume me anymore. I know I'll have plenty of time in my life to lose the weight and right now that can't be my number 1 priority. I'm hoping by releasing this priority the fun will return and I will go back to enjoying the more important things in my life. But now what am I going to talk about?
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
The Little Things
It's amazing what a little positive thinking and a little tiny bit of confidence can do to a person. This past week I realized I only had 6 weeks before my friends wedding. I didn't want to be uncomfortable and be self conscious the entire time I was there. This past week I've done well on eating better and I worked out 5 days a week and even better I was back down to 177lbs. I have started back into my routine I know that works for me. Counting macros was a great eye opener for me and helped me realized that I could have 1 piece of bread as long as I balanced out the rest of my meals. I'm back to eating chicken or steak fajitas that I buy marinated and prepped at the local grocery store. And I also have been making ceviche because I can eat a ton of it without worry about how much fat is in it. I have also been making better snacking choices which is great!
Today I felt so much better about myself despite the fact that I have only lost 3 lbs and that's not enough at my weight to see a difference. I'm hoping that by the time this wedding comes around I can say I've lost 13lbs! How awesome would that be. If I can stick with this routine of mine I know I can do it. I think the eating better has really helped my mood. I also think it's the new gym I joined. It's just FUN! There's no other way to describe it. The energy in that place is amazing, the people who I workout with are all so encouraging and positive. The music is great, I find myself dancing during the workouts. And best of all it's always different and always a challenge. I find that my endurance is getting better. With crossfit the workouts are short and hard, with KOA Kingdom the workouts are a lot longer and still hard. With any weight loss journey these high moments make it motivating and make me want to keep going. Let's hope this high last longer then 2 weeks.
Today I felt so much better about myself despite the fact that I have only lost 3 lbs and that's not enough at my weight to see a difference. I'm hoping that by the time this wedding comes around I can say I've lost 13lbs! How awesome would that be. If I can stick with this routine of mine I know I can do it. I think the eating better has really helped my mood. I also think it's the new gym I joined. It's just FUN! There's no other way to describe it. The energy in that place is amazing, the people who I workout with are all so encouraging and positive. The music is great, I find myself dancing during the workouts. And best of all it's always different and always a challenge. I find that my endurance is getting better. With crossfit the workouts are short and hard, with KOA Kingdom the workouts are a lot longer and still hard. With any weight loss journey these high moments make it motivating and make me want to keep going. Let's hope this high last longer then 2 weeks.
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